daytime| 2010-02-06 19:35 theme| Note to Self copyright| Public character analysis| distressed

Keep up with this journal. Things that are by far outdated should never be left lingering in public view.

Writing wise, things are decent. Sixty seven pages of thesis in, half will be thrown out by Thursday, but at least they're in for now. I should probably try to get another piece done by Thursday, just to show my professor that I am, indeed, on the ball.

I also have much reading to do this weekend. So tomorrow will be my reading day, lovely thing that it is.

Valentines looms its ugly head. So does my birthday. I so do not want to turn twenty-eight. Is there a way to stop time for a year, so I can get plenty of writing in, and then restart the universe?

The holidays were spent enjoyably. Only one fight and that with a brother. Thankfully, it lasted only a day, but it definitely taught me a valuable lesson. My grandmother now has internet access which helps with communication and allows me to practice writing my Spanish. I even downloaded a dictionary for firefox so I could spell things correctly without having to constantly look them up to double check. Apparently, I'm not as bad writing Spanish as I thought I was. I'm sure my diction and grammar is off, but at least my spelling isn't.

School is all right. Got beaten down a little in nonfiction, because, honest to goodness, I really have no idea how to write it. I'll be submitting to a couple of magazines within the month. I looked into fellowships along with jobs, filled out applications, but I was late for two really good fellowships (sadness) and my professors have let me know in no uncertain terms that they're not going to be able to send me recommendation letters for a job I applied to, however, they will keep them so when I apply to another one, they have them ready. Which is at least a good thing. I'll still apply to the job those letters will be late for, and here is hoping that things turn out all right.

Also working on my screenplay. I've got to remind myself to email Victoria and get info from her so I can finish it soon. I may just end up in California after all.

And maybe I'll meet Sam Worthington while I'm at it.

-----
QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"If you keep your mouth shut you will never put your foot in it." ~Austin O'Malley

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daytime| 2009-12-01 18:27 theme| Things About My Family copyright| Public setting| Spokane character analysis| infuriated

I love my family. I adore them. I read stories like "Silence" by Alice Munro and can't imagine the horribleness of that family life. I can't imagine a daughter hating her mother so much that she wouldn't speak to her for fifteen years. I can't imagine the pain of that mother. I can't imagine doing that to anyone. I can't imagine the broken families I read about in so many stories and I can't understand them because I love mine so much.

But no family is perfect, something fiction keeps telling me is meat for story.

I live far away for school. My family doesn't get to see me as often as they like. I come from a matriarchal family where I am the destined person to continue traditions and keep the family together. As far as my mother and grandmother are concerned, I should have never, ever left home. Period.

They flew eighteen hours to Japan just to pick a fight. Because I was not supposed to be there at all, let alone for six months. Let alone not going back home with them because I was following a boy to New Zealand.

After months away from them, they want time. I don't mind giving them time. I want to spend time with them. But I also know that I have other responsibilities. I have to WRITE. At least two hours a day. With every inch of their being, every tactical advantage in their repertoire, every guilt trip, every sigh, every accusation, they're going to wrangle me away from the computer to spend those two hours I should be writing with them. I don't want to disappoint them, I know they miss me, I want to spend time with them. But I need time to write too, and as far as they're concerned, this is my pipe dream and I shouldn't be wasting family time on something like writing stories.

I don't look forward to those confrontations.

I do not have the kind of work a friend of mine does in my graduate program, which eats up all her time and has taken her away from the family she also adores. It stresses her out and puts her on edge, but she's getting her Ph.D. and she's a year younger than me. It's actually NOT surprising that she's so stressed out. She put it upon herself and did it willingly. Just like I did, even though my program isn't as demanding. But knowing that I have to write and having to fight and wrestle that time away from my family in order to have it is not something I look forward to. I don't want to fight with them, but as I live elsewhere they're going to want time that at some points I won't be able to give them and I don't look forward to the confrontations of not being able to satisfy school and family.

I don't think this is an unusual feeling. But to her, I'm complaining about something she would give everything to have. She would give anything to be in my position. She doesn't understand that to me it IS wonderful, but I'm realistic about my own family, their demands and my being unable to meet them. I want them to understand that I will have to work while I'm home, but I know they're not going to understand.

Because that's MY family. Not her family who will not make her feel like a wretch for going for her Ph.D. Not her family that will not let her work, not let her function and accuse her work of being pointless because she DOESN'T come from a culture where the girl's job is to get married, have babies and keep the family together.

I feel weird that I have to explain this. I feel strange that I was being told in essence that I'm taking this wonderful thing for granted and that I shouldn't be complaining or even feel even an inkling of lack of excitement. I'm not sure what to do about it. My complaints (in my OWN journal) wasn't a personal affront to her (nor was it meant to be taken as such) or a way to make her feel bad because she can't be spending time with the family she loves like me. I wasn't trying to upset her with my complaints on something she wishes she had. I'm sorry that she can't do this, but that doesn't make it my fault or that I'm doing something wrong by not being so excited about being stressed out by my inability to give my family what they're going to demand from me.

She is acting like I've done something horrible and unforgivable. She tells me, in no uncertain terms, that "[I have to] Just realize that the things you're able to experience, not everyone can: and perhaps derive joy from being so blessed with the opportunity to be healthy and visit your beloveds." I.e. I'm taking them for granted, and I should be happy no matter what because I'm going to get to be with my family while she fucking doesn't.

She doesn't KNOW my family. I'm not in her position. I can never claim to be nor is it likely that I ever be in the bad situation she is consistently living in. But nor can she tell me, almost lecturing me like I'm YOUNGER and DUMBER than she is, that I am unappreciative of the family life which she has no idea what it's like.

Her mother frets and freaks out all the time. She is very ill. She works on her Ph.D. 24/7. Her dog is dying. Because of the lack of effective medical utilities in the place where her family lives, her mother doesn't want to go see them. But she doesn't have the weight of her entire family on her shoulders, them expecting out of her what she is probably unable to give, and then making her feel guilty for not giving three hundred percent to them because guess what, she has other responsibilities too. I'm not saying my situation is worse--it ISN'T. I'm saying it's DIFFERENT. So why do I feel like I'm being accused of not appreciating something she wished she had when she has no idea what it is like BEING WITH MY FAMILY.

I am so totally confused. Should I just not complain about my family on my journal so people who have it worse don't take offense or feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't appreciate what she has versus people who don't have it? I don't take them for granted, I love them and I love being with them. But I know my family. I know what they want from me and I know what I can't give them and I know that's going to make me feel like crap and I don't look forward to feeling like crap. There will be wonderful moments, I have no doubt. But there will be times where I'm going to wish I was already back in Spokane.

I don't feel like I have to explain all this on a journal I can't see. I don't want to see her take me apart and tell me that I'm a horrible human being for not doing what she would do. This isn't her LIFE. Her life SUCKS, yes, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate MY life. I don't want to be lectured my someone who has never had to listen to her grandmother DISOWN her because she didn't want to go back home after spending six incredible months in Japan.

What the fuck?

I just... I don't get it. I get why she lashed out at me, what I don't get is her not admitting that she's jealous and it pisses her off to hear me complain. Because that's what it fucking is. I don't tell her to APPRECIATE what she DOES have in her journals when she's complaining about all the horrible fucking shit in HER life. I don't tell her, well, at least you HAVE a dog (even if she's dying). I'd kill for the company so I wouldn't feel so alone all the damn time, but I can't afford a dog let alone the time to take care of one. I don't tell her at least you're PUBLISHED. I don't tell her, at least you're getting your Ph.D. and you're a year younger than me. I don't. Because her life is different and the circumstances in her life have made it hard for her.

To her, I have my health, I have my family. She wants that more than she wants the rest. I have no right to complain. I want my fucking degree and to be published at HER age. She has no right to complain.

I just... I DON'T GET IT.

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daytime| 2009-11-29 22:00 theme| Feeling Lonely copyright| Public setting| Poulsbo character analysis| lonely

I hate it when I feel lonely. Especially when there's no reason to. I've just spent ten days (more or less) with my best friend Rio in Seattle. It's been wonderful and I've enjoyed it a great deal. I'm sad to leave. And right now, I'm feeling lonely.

I have so much work to do before I leave. I want to write some more to give my professor before I see him Tuesday at 3:30, but I don't know how much work I'm going to get done on the train. I still have a paper to write and a book to read to. I guess whatever I write I better save it for the paper. Seems like the best bet. I'm just not sure which book to use as a model. Maybe Pedro Paramo.

I got to get all this work done by 5PM Wednesday, then Thursday I have a meeting and then a dinner, and Friday I have Voice Over. Luckily I'll have most of the mornings on Thursday and Friday to relax. I'll get no sleep on Friday because I have to leave for the airport at 3:30AM, be there by 4AM (maybe 4:30 so I don't have to wait so long), and on an airplane by 5AM. I have to either bring food or be ready to spend money at the airports because I've got a 12 hour travel day on Saturday and I won't be in Florida until 9PM.

I'm going to be beat and grumpy and then the idea of facing 25 days with my family is both fun and terrifying. I love them, but I'm worried that I won't be in the right mindset. I hope this is a passing thing and I will be. Right now, I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm just feeling particularly isolated. It's strange how one can feel alone even among friends and family. I hope this feeling doesn't linger, but I can't help the sinking feeling that it won't. I'm just feeling this loneliness deeply.

I'm tired of feeling alone, I think that's it.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to write what I want, no matter how good my writing is.
I'm tired of feeling that everything I do just isn't enough, no matter what.
I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do is good enough.
I'm tired of feeling that I'm being viewed as someone who is living a life that is unproductive.

I just want to write books and screenplays. I want to write movies and write romance novels.

There's a story I'm writing that I enjoy a great deal. But where I want to take it, I'm not really allowed to take it. I don't know how to tell Sam (my advisor) that I want to write something that to the "literary" world, isn't "literary."

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. That what I want to write isn't what the world wants, even though I know it is.

I want to write romance novels. I love romance novels. I want to write what I want to read. I don't want to write about something that I would never pick up in the bookstore. That makes me feel like a hypocrite.

I don't want to feel this way, but at the same time... I just don't fucking care.

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daytime| 2009-11-14 11:54 theme| My Fictional Five copyright| Public setting| home character analysis| harrassed onomatopoeia| Fourth Avenue Cafe

I am long overdue for an update and this isn't really one, but my best friend Rio a.k.a. Brandy ( anneelliot.wordpress.com ) mimicked this from our mutual friend Melissa Dominic and it only makes sense for me to do it as well.

A warning to all: There are spoilers ahead. Revelations will be made about the hot fictional men, so if you don't want to know, you should probably not read the small rant/blurbs that follow after each announcement.




1. Marcus Wright: Terminator Salvation (Film)

When I saw the preview for the new Terminator film, I groaned internally. Not only had they made Christian Bale John Connor (*hackhurlheave*), but really, after the last one they should've just stopped. However, upon the screen came Marcus Wright, the new Terminator, and I just about gasped in my seat from the shock of his hotness. I braved the film despite the Bale and fell into instant love with Marcus Wright. For some reason I find myself attracted to active, determined men, scruffy in appearance, awkward, highly intelligent, with a sense of justice. Marcus is all of these and he has an aching sadness that pulls at my heart strings and just makes me love him all the more. He is human, despite himself, honestly so and I can't help but be drawn to that. It is Marcus's change from someone who doesn't care to that of a passionate, thriving living man that gives me chills. Out of the all the men I adore, he is the most real, the most vivid, and the one who invades my dreams the most often. If they dare to make any more Terminator films all I demand is more Marcus. I don't care how they do it, as long as they DO IT.





2. Richard Cypher: Sword of Truth series (Novel/Fantasy series)

A man who dominated my fantasies since eleventh grade. Intelligent, downright brillian, a swordsman (I love men with swords good god), again with that sense of justice that I find so appealing, and it so doesn't hurt that he has piercing gray eyes. *fans self* Everything I could ever want in a man, Richard Cypher (a.k.a. Richard Rahl) is one of the few fantasy men that forever more will dominate my heart. Richard is everything I wish existed in the real world somehow. All of his qualities are absorbed by most of my dream men. Honorable, loving, gentle, fierce, a warrior, a leader, and so DAMN SMART it just takes my breath away every time. Richard gives me goosebumps and makes me shout and whoop and yell. Oh, no. I'm feeling the itch to read the ENTIRE series again...





3. Strider/Aragorn: The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein (Fantasy novels/Films)

Maybe it doesn't seem so unusual considering the fame of the films, but I was already in love with Aragorn before the movies ever came out. I love Strider. For a lot of the same reasons I love Richard. What is it about these sword wielding warriors of justice that compel me so? Not to mention he's scruffy, sexy, intelligent and fiercely protective of those he loves. I love passionate men and both of my fantasy men are very passionate. I clearly have a thing for warriors, don't I? Brilliant, protective, warrior men that make my heart ache just watching and reading about them. Aragorn, like Richard, cares about his friends, adores his woman in such a way that makes me wish I was on the receiving end of such love, and is a GOOD man. I definitely have a thing for scruffy GOOD men.





4. Solid Snake: Metal Gear Solid series (Video game)

Which brings me to number four, not surprising, another scruffy, GOOD man, a warrior, who has traded in the swords of the above for AK47s, snipers, and tranquilizer guns. Solid Snake/Big Boss (they're essentially the same person) is MY video game heart throb. The man is a DORK and I adore him for it. He makes me split my sides with laughing and he gives me the aching thrills that seem to accompany every warrior man I set my heart on. He's scruffy, brilliant, beefy (notice how they all are *sigh*), and infinitely lovable. Like Marcus, he grows a lot as a person and as a character, and I respect and love the fact that he does things for his own reasons (unless forced or coerced--but then he finds a way out of it anyway) and for what is RIGHT. There's that sense of justice coming back. I'm sensing a theme here...





5. King Arthur Pendragon (myths/legends/novels/films)

My oldest love. I have loved Arthur for as long as I can remember. The myth never made a whole lot of sense to me because I could not FATHOM why Guinevere would ever betray Arthur (probably the reason I chose the most recent Arthur for the image--though really it was a toss up between him, Richard Harris when he did Camelot (couldn't find any good pictures though), and Arthur from Gargoyles--since there was none of that silly betrayal stuff going on in that movie). It just seemed illogical. Here you have a brilliant orator and man, far ahead of his time, a warrior, a protector, a man with--oh, crap there it is again--an innate sense of justice, which created a kingdom from nothing and led it to prosperity. Probably safe to say it was my love of Arthur that made it possible for me to love Aragorn, Richard, Snake and Marcus the way that I do. He was my first warrior love and he seems to have established the pattern that has made me love the fictional men above.

I guess it's safe to say why it suddenly makes sense that I have a cop fetish.

Honorable mentions: Mr. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice (novel/film/mini-series), Bones - Star Trek (film/tv series), Yuri Hyuga - Shadow Hearts (vg), Magnus Gallowglass - Warlock Series (novels), Jayne - Firefly (tv series), Matrix - Reboot (tv series), Zidane Tribal/Adelbert Steiner - Final Fantasy IX, Goliath/MacBeth - Gargoyles (tv series), Kimball Cho/Patrick Jane - The Mentalist (tv series), Agent Seeley Booth - Bones (tv series), Wolf - The 10th Kingdom (mini-series), Shimada Kambei - Samurai 7 (anime), Shigure - Fruit’s Basket (manga/anime), Amon - Witch Hunter Robin (anime), Hiko Seijuro/Saito Hajime/Himura Kenshin - Rurouni Kenshin (manga/anime), Vampire Hunter D - Bloodlust (anime), Kusuri Uri - Ayakashi-Bakeneko, Mononoke (anime), Clark Kent - Adventures of Lois & Clark/Smallville (comic/tv series), Zelgadiss Greywords - Slayers (anime), R. Daneel Olivaw - Robot/Foundation series (novels), Captain/Doctor Peter Blood - Captain Blood (novel/film), Captain Jack Sparrow - Pirates of the Caribbean (films), Link - Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess (vg), Gatts - Berserk (manga/anime), Dark Schneider - Bastard!! (manga/anime), Mad Martigan - Willow (film), Erik - The Phantom of the Opera (play/musical/film), Harry Dresden - The Dresden Files (tv series), Bernardo - Zorro (novel), Holden - Stickmen (film), Don Juan - Don Juan de Marco (film), Jareth - Labyrinth (film), Fiyero - Wicked (play/musical), Gambit - Xmen (comic)

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daytime| 2009-09-02 13:52 theme| The Desperate Need for Cash copyright| Public character analysis| tired onomatopoeia| Tomorrow Never Dies

The search for a job has failed miserably. Either I invent a resume that is wholly fictional or I just have to accept that minimum wage employers will not hire professionals. Because of this my savings account has been completely depleted, I'm having to borrow money from my parents to pay for my rent for this month (as well as last month), and I can barely afford food.

Luckily, I have plenty left over and I've got some really nice friends.

Thank you for Hannah, Justin, Amaris and Amanda. Without them I would probably be a lonely, sad, hungry fool.

I'm only exaggerating a little.

In any case, financial aid stuff looks good so on the 21st (supposedly) I shall be receiving money again. I am a resident, so I should be receiving more than I did last year. Yayness! Also, credits and classes and thesis credits were double checked, so everything looks good for my last year as a student. I'm apparently eight credits over the required, which is excellent, and I barely have to take classes for the remainder of this year. Most of my time will be spent on my thesis. All good things.

Of course, this doesn't help the lack of money for the next couple of weeks. My buddy Amanda has been donating plasma for the last few weeks for cash. It's not a lot, but it helps. So I'm going to do the same despite my illogical terror of needles and people taking stuff out of my body. Money is money and people always need plasma. Besides, I'm sure there are a few folks out there who could use some good, Latina plasma to get them going. The problem is of course, you have to be there before the crack of dawn and wait two hours in order to actually get this done, otherwise you might as well go home.

We attempted it today. But they opened earlier than we thought and there was a huge line and Amanda pretty much said, "There's no point because you'll be sitting here all day and they'll never get to you." So we left. Good bye one dollar fruitlessly. It was too early so I barely ate as it was. Probably a bad idea but my stomach would have none of steamed, salted broccoli.

Bleh.

So, we'll try again tomorrow. Unless of course tomorrow they're putting in my stove/oven in which case I have to be here.

I think.

We went our separate ways when we got back, met up again on campus (I saw my bus driver buddy again, yay!), and I set myself up for success.

However, I've had little sleep lately, it's hot as hell, and walking home (because it took longer than four hours) two miles whilst starving did not sound like an ideal plan. Didn't have much choice though.

School starts soon and I got to finish my stories and finish editing the old ones. I need to choose three of the five I've been working on and just finish them already. On a sadder note, my Netflix funness comes to an end today (as I have to cancel to not get charged ten dollars I don't have). Perhaps one day in the future I will attempt the Netflix joy again.

Until that day, I will revisit old television series I own to remind myself of why I brought them along with me, anime mostly I imagine. I haven't indulged in that old habit in a while. Which brings me to my final update point.

I thought of a non-fiction piece for my non-fiction workshop in the Winter quarter. The story of how Roxy met Anime. It's fun to tell and probably will be fun to write and then we shall see how crucified I get in non-fiction workshop for it.

Fun and games.

***

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater." ~Shepherd Book, Firefly

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daytime| 2009-08-19 02:13 theme| The Writing Issue copyright| Public setting| Havana Looking Spokane Apartment character analysis| irritated onomatopoeia| J'Y Suis Jamias Allé

I have yet to get a job. I don't think I can get a job. I put up an ad on Craig's List and I hope that someone, somewhere in Spokane, needs a tutor. With a resume that says teacher, teacher, teacher, grad student, and higher education, all the minimum wage jobs are like... No.

It's very irritating to be overqualified.

Oh, well.

So far on Craig's List I've gotten emails for what are clearly scams or drug deals hidden beneath something supposedly legit. Ideally, if I keep looking there will be one gem in the slew of trash.

Writing wise, there are ups and downs. For the most part, I write every day in some way shape or form. Whether it's my steam punk story (which is AWESOME by the way), my thesis stuff, my sad attempts at romance novels or my screenplay (which I've been trying to get back into finishing), at least I'm doing SOMETHING.

However, I have been tempted, on more than one occasion, to finish my unfinished fan fictions. Accidentally came across one while fantarding over old favorites and went ahead and read my story under a different name.

While I felt like a total NERD and just a sad, sad human being, I was quite impressed with my two to three year old writing. I felt GOOD about myself. I remembered why I was in this program and why I had been accepted.

I CAN WRITE GODDAMMIT.

I don't care about the fiction "status quo" or the "ranking" of who's a good writer and who's a GREAT writer. I don't care about the stupid, fruitless competition going on in my fiction workshops. I write GOOD stories, with lines of tension, and plot, that are funny and entertaining and enjoyable and bring a smile to people's faces.

I'm not writing to create a dark, gothic, emo "work of art." I'm writing to make people sigh and smile and squeal and laugh out loud. I don't need to create the literary equivalent of Goya's "Saturn Eating His Children." I prefer to be an impressionist. A slice of life, a beautiful vision that leaves the reader/viewer smiling with pleasure. I aim to create happiness, not to remind people that they're lucky they're not these poor bastards in this story.

My friend Amanda told me about her idea for a non-fiction piece. Nothing raised my hackles more than her criticizing her own piece by saying, "Don't you think it's too positive? Like Disney or an after school special?"

You know that thing they call righteous anger? I felt it then. I felt it for every positive outgoing happy artist out there. What RIGHT do the emo, depressing artists have to tell us positive thinkers that OUR art ISN'T art? Really? They need to get off their damn high horse. A good piece of fiction, a good piece of art, does NOT equal slit your wrists and eternal loss. It does NOT make our lives worth something, because you wrote about your sad lonely existence and your inability to keep your woman happy so she left you. Don't take the miseries of your life, slap on a different name, and call it fiction. Perhaps they feel if they can turn the depressing hollowness of their lives into "Art," they will find meaning in their own lives, and justify their own misery.

It's okay that my life SUCKS because when I write about it it's BEAUTIFUL.

Bull shit.

Total and complete, bull shit.

I should start calling dark, depressing pieces MELODRAMATIC just to PISS OFF the writers. If my ambiguous endings are too neatly tied, their their depressing endings with the main character contemplating suicide should be melodramatic and unrealistic. If my "choose the character's fate" concept is too "happy" then their "the main character is always damned" should be "shallow."

I am just consistently irritated by the fact that positive thinking is looked at as something NEGATIVE when dealing with ART. I thought art was supposed to bring joy, understanding, a sense of peace. I thought it was supposed to give you a chance to reach a higher plane of understanding.

Life Sucks is NOT a higher plane of understanding people.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

I was accused once of reading for "escapism." Isn't that why everyone reads? Why they watch movies? If you gain something from the piece, book, short story, poem or film, doesn't that already qualify as a form of art to you? Art is relative. What is a beautiful painting to me is blase to someone else. What is depth and character and a question of the universe to one person is a bright red dot on a white canvas to me. If I gain something from it, doesn't that already make it art? Doesn't that already make it more than just a story to "escape" to? How did one even discover the art in literature? Because they picked up a book they WANTED to read. Why? To ESCAPE.

And since I'm on the subject, I have a character issue.

I have been told--on numerous occasions--that a good story is "character based." What does that mean? That means it is the character that drives the story, his or her or its growth or lack of growth. The story follows that character. It is because of that character that the story exists. You are here to tell the story of a person, not an idea, not a thought. A person.

So what does it matter, if the story is science fiction, or steam punk, or fantasy, or mystery? If the one driving the story is the character, doesn't that make it a good story?

An example: My steam punk book. The Stygian Codex.

It's steam punk. It takes place in a world where the era appears Victorian but is technologically advanced with an archaic form of science. Steam. Pumps. Water. But it's not about the world. It's about the characters. It's about their relationships with each other, about their friendship, about how they survive a world that is crumbling around them, about how they fight for themselves and for each other. There's tension, long lines and short lines, it's moving and dark and it's about THEM. It's about every character and how they grow from beginning to end.

So this would make it a good story, right? This would make it LITERARY because it's character based.

But it's not.

Because it's steam punk.

I just don't get it. It seems literary only applies to that which takes place in a modern setting. Any FEAT of genius that somehow manages to incorporate ALL THE LITERARY ELEMENTS and yet put it in a different setting--is automatically defeated by the latter. It doesn't matter if it would be a literary work of art if it were in the present. It isn't in the present. Therefore it is not literary.

Does this make sense to ANYONE? Because it sure as hell doesn't make sense to me.

Same thing with my Merlin book. It takes place in the present. It's character driven. Long lines of tension, short lines of tension. Character growth. But... the main character is MERLIN. Therefore... Not literary.

If there is one thing a Masters of Creative Writing has taught me, it's that most of this "literary" crap is bull shit. It's the eye of the beholder. There is NO REASON why half the stuff I read--that's "popular" fiction--wouldn't be literary. They only reason it isn't is because it's science fiction. Or fantasy.

Or god forbid--A ROMANCE NOVEL.

I think the students in this program are more high brow than the teachers. That just blows my mind. I thought out here it wouldn't be quite so high brow as the ONE professor in Florida International (the one high brow teacher--might I mention--that makes a living selling THRILLERS).

Woooo weeeeeee, was I EVER WRONG.

Ah, well, in any case, being the "enthusiast" with occasional bouts of "nerd" that I am, I read this silly old video game fan fiction of mine and was impressed with my own writing. Given, I'm a freak who finds MYSELF funny, but still. It was well thought out, tension was distributed well, and I stopped writing at a cliffhanger like place that makes ME want to know what happens next.

Maybe I'm just easy to please. I do like romance novels after all. And I read to "escape." But I'm still tempted, nevertheless, to finish it.

Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Perhaps when I'm done scraping the bottom of the barrel of my creative "literary" brain and are just making my fingernails bleed and stabbing myself with splinters.

Until then, I'm probably better off just focusing on editing and finishing this "literary" stuff and challenge the writing gods by making my literary art fluffy.

That right. You heard me. FLUFFY.

CHOKE ON IT.

***

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." ~Sylvia Plath

I win. :3

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daytime| 2009-04-30 22:24 theme| Slayers Rant O' Doom copyright| Public setting| home character analysis| accomplished onomatopoeia| Princess Kira - Andreas Vollenweider

< rant >

Slayers. An anime. One of my favorites. Basically, it's an anime loosely based on the Dungeons and Dragons roleplaying game. You've got a bunch of wonderfully complex, zany characters that all have their distinct appeal. Some people like some and not others. I love them all. I started watching it in English back in 2001 because I had found a place that rented anime (called Alternate Dimensions which no longer exists in Miami) and systematically went through almost every anime they had there. Slayers--the first season--introduced the four main characters. Lina Inverse, a redheaded sorceress with a good heart and a VERY short temper. Gourry Gabriev, a blond swordsman who is wonderfully airheaded. Zelgadiss Greywords, a sorcerer-swordsman who had been transformed by his great grandfather (an ageless sage known for his good works and harbored the soul of the ultimate darklord within his sealed shut eyes) into a chimera (one part human (i.e. the original Zelgadiss), one part brass demon (long story) and one part golem). And Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun, youngest princess of the justice and white magic capital of the world. There's also some OAV and several movies with Lina Inverse and a woman named Naga the Serpent who is actually Amelia's older sister Gracia Ul Naga Seyruun.

Yes, that's a lot to swallow. But soooooooooooooo easy to follow in the end.

Slayers Next was the next season and introduced a character named Xellos Metallium who is a mazoku (translated as "monster" in English), and the characters' romantic preferences were established. Lina and Gourry were forevermore inseparable in Next and clearly there were romantic feelings there. And Amelia and Zelgadiss were crushing on each other. Then there's Slayers Try, the third season and the last season to be done in anime for almost a decade where you meet a woman named Filia Ul Copt who is a golden dragon. She and Xellos hate each other's guts, but it's that kind of hate that can so easily develop into romantic affection.

For a decade that was it. I watched it a few more times, never left home without my copy of the three seasons on VHS until I got Next on DVD and then never left home without the DVDs. I moved to Japan with them, moved to New Zealand with them, moved back to the States with them and moved to Spokane from Miami with them.

Then...

I FOUND OUT THEY'D BROUGHT OUT A NEW SEASON.

The spazzing I did was INCALCULABLE. I was excited every week, every day for THREE MONTHS, watching and enjoying the episodes. I didn't go to bed for an entire night because I was up the entire time catching up with Slayers Revolution that aired in the summer (and I had NO IDEA EXISTED) and then with Slayers Evolution-R (the latter half of Revolution) until I caught up and then had to wait every week for a new episode.

I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT WITH ANIME.

NEVER.

EVER.

But I did, because I HAD TO.

While I can rant for pages and pages about the awesomeness of revisiting Slayers, I will try to be concise, but lord knows that the entire essence of a rant is just going NUTS with it.

So ONE.

Watching Slayers Revolution and EvoR had me squealing and doodling and dreaming about Slayers. Because of it, I gave in and bought Slayers Try on DVD for a disgustingly cheap price. I rewatched Next and Try. I still have to buy the original season. I eagerly anticipate them coming to the States so I can own Revo and EvoR too. I have drawn a ton of art work and I haven't fantarded over anything like this since Avatar. It had been so long since I watched Next and Try that I had actually FORGOTTEN sooooooooooooooooooo much. It was such a pleasure watching it all over again during the wait for the EvoR episodes. I noticed how perfectly the characters fit each other (romantically), and how deep they really were. I noticed how even the most inane of episodes did something, and how every little inch of plot was woven into the whole season. It was such a JOY to watch with a writer's eyes as well as a fan girl. Revolution really showed how absolutely dangerous Xellos really is. Revolution revisited old enemies anew from the first season and brought it out much more clearly in EvoR. EvoR did what no other season has done before. Naga, who isn't in any of the series but only in the movies, makes an "appearance." She has no memory and has had her soul trapped into a suit of armor, but you KNOW IT'S HER. And they give such AWESOME CLUES that you're screaming at the screen the entire time IT'S NAGA HOLY SHIT AMELIA NOTICE THAT IT'S YOUR SISTER. You find out that Gourry makes an awesome father, practically admits (in the Japanese equivalent that when you say nothing to deny it, it is an affirmation) that he loves Lina, Zelgadiss and Amelia have wonderful moments together (she PWNS him in CHESS--IT'S BEAUTIFUL), and Xellos has throwbacks to being influenced by Filia (because you know, even though they don't say, that they're so together--or at least he hasn't left her alone hahahaha).

IT'S A WONDERFUL THING.

So TWO.

One thing I love about this series is the characters. Each character has so much depth to them and even though in the animation they don't look like they've aged much, they personalities show that they have grown considerably. Because I can't help myself, I will rant about all six (and probably seven or eight or nine or ten) of them.

Lina Inverse: Lina starts off in Slayers as a precocious fifteen year old with a good heart, a RIDICULOUSLY short temper, and is a genius sorceress. She INVENTS the most powerful spell in existence. That's just... SICK, considering for the most part she's kind of irresponsible at first. She comes from a family where her parents were once sorcerers and settled down to be merchants. She has an older sister named Luna that is absolutely petrified of. Luna is a Knight of Ceiphied, the ultimate good god and apparently has been blessed with his powers. The sisters don't get along too well, and Lina herself lives in terror of her sister's wrath. At the tender age of fourteen Lina goes out into the world and gets a companion for a year or so, a kind of ditzy (when it suits her), overconfident, slightly disturbed, tall, big-breasted woman named Naga the White Serpent. She has a terrifying laugh (I particularly enjoy it and mimic it on occasion hahaha), and while she sees herself as Lina's rival, really can't compare. However, her skill in shamanistic magic and white magic is comparable to Lina's black magic (which surprises Lina every time she uses healing magic because Naga--dressed in a scantily clad "older" style evil sorceress outfit--doesn't seem the type). Anyway, running away with myself. Eventually, Lina ditches Naga and runs into Gourry Gabriev who becomes her protector, bodyguard, best friend and eventually romantic interest from here henceforth. Lina is a very powerful woman, both in personality and ability. Even though she is so domineering and Gourry lets her get away with almost virtually anything, he does know when to step in and be the buffer to Lina's moments of incalculable rage (when it takes a hold of her). Throughout the different series, she becomes more and more and more levelheaded, more analytical, and you really get to see why it is that she's a GENIUS. She also becomes more and more responsible and dependable and listens to Gourry's occasional words of wisdom. She can be charming when she's not vicious, but she's never outrightly evil. In D&D terms, we'd call her chaotic neutral, emphasis on the CHAOTIC part. She goes from fifteen in Slayers, sixteen in Slayers Next, seventeen in Slayers Try and eighteen in Slayers Revo and EvoR. To see her from Slayers, hell even Slayers Next when she's just a bit more responsible, to the person she is in EvoR, it's mindboggling. She has grown up SO MUCH. Everything that was bad had to be blown up, the bigger the spell the better, and by EvoR she's telling OTHERS not to use magic in order to prevent further damage. WHAT. THE. FUCK. All that is awesome in this world. Lina is definitely the favorite female character. She's the most fun, she has personal issues with her still underdeveloped breasts (by now they should've grown in, I think the poor girl is just going to be B-cups for the rest of her life), loves money and food (she's a bottomless pit of a stomach), and is all about living life to the fullest. That's her message.

My life is MY OWN. No one, god, demon, human or otherwise, is going to take away my right to LIVE.

It's beautiful powerful and makes my eyes burn with the sheer awesomeness of it.

Gourry Gabriev: Gourry is huge, beefy, dumb and blond. He's a beautiful creature. All of eighteen when he meets Lina, he's twenty-one by Revo and EvoR and it SHOWS. He's the inheritor of a long line of warriors who were in possession of the Sword of Light, a powerful blade that comes from another world (it's original name is Gorun Nova). It's been passed down for generations, and they're pretty famous for it, leaning toward the idea that he's probably from a noble class. We know he has an older brother he doesn't get along with. We know that he took the sword without permission, didn't know what to do with himself for a while, until some fisherman (who turned out to actually be Lina's FATHER) gave him the idea to protect people. Yes, Gourry is dense. But he has a heart of gold. He's such a beautiful, loving person, he's just a pleasure to watch. Unfortunately, Gourry is one of those people who seems to be always personified by that one distinct characteristic. Gourry is dumb because the writers needed a foil for Lina that will allow us the readers/watchers to learn about the rules of the world. Not the best way to do it, but it works, because they give him so much depth. The problem is, many fans don't SEE that depth, because his dumbness comes out so often. This is a character who starts off the story at age EIGHTEEN. And he doesn't leave Lina. Whether or not we chalk it up to the words of wisdom given to him by the fisherman, because he's just dumb, or because it's in his innate personality to be a protector, Gourry is determined, loyal, giving, gentle, and fierce. He has bouts of wisdom too. Gourry, in D&D terms, when it comes to his brainpower, would probably have a 10 or 9 in intelligence--he's not book smart and forgetful as hell--but has, I'd say a 16 to 18 in wisdom. But because of his lack of intelligence, sometimes his wisdom comes out in a garbled almost obtuse way. But it doesn't diminish the depth of it. When he tells Lina he's going to protect her for the rest of his life, he means it. He understands Lina's personality to the tee, knows when to let her explode and knows when to cower and knows when to put his foot down. He's a neutral good, tempering Lina's chaos. He understands her and the world on an emotional level. And while at the beginning, he's more dense in that aspect, by EvoR he understands so much more. He's much more responsible than Lina and is her balance that allows her to remember others and their feelings. He can't imagine being without her, his heart is huge--I'm serious, he makes a WONDERFUL father--and he no longer denies his own feelings for her. At twenty-one Gourry knows he's in love with Lina, and even if he can't voice it because when it comes to social customs he's completely inept, he understands where his future is and can't imagine it without her. He wants kids. I can't even express the awesomeness of that. It won't take much longer for him to finally be out with it. Lina also realized Gourry's lack of denial so it won't take much longer for her to be out with it either. Zelgadiss puts it succinctly in Try, "I can't imagine you two ever being unhappy in each other's company." Gourry eats like Lina, loves so completely like Lina, and adores life like Lina. In many ways, she gave him life. He was an aimless, wandering teen on the verge of adulthood with no future, and with Lina he found his future. And believe it or not, Slayers fans, he KNOWS it. People don't like to hook up Lina and Gourry together, because they think he's too dumb for her, but he isn't dumb. While Lina may call him jellyfish brains, she knows that Gourry understands her to a level that no one else, no matter how hard they tried, would ever understand her. Gourry is quite literally her other half, and the writers have done an excellent job of making that apparent. Lina knows her life would be bleak without him--most of her most desperate acts in the series are from the potential of losing him. And Gourry, without Lina, has only a facade of happiness that the animators and writers made clear in his every expression. Is it possible for a character on screen to light up without actually using lighting affects? Yes. Gourry is Lina's light, and she is his reason for being. They are separate and unified. Gourry is an ADULT in Revo and EvoR. It shows.

Zelgadiss Greywords: Zelgadiss is our resident tortured soul. Emo, moody, whatever you want to call it, Zelgadiss has issues. For one, his parents are dead--killed by the very man who raised him, though he thankfully isn't aware of it, because that would a whole NEW level of issues. For two, the man who raised him, his great-grandfather, Rezo the Red Priest, was not only incurably blind because he could NOT open his eyes, but he was the most powerful and most famous sage for three centuries running. That makes for an interesting childhood, but one Zelgadiss, from all understandings, was happy with. It wasn't until he was fifteen, two years before the first Slayers season, that everything went to hell. Rezo, compelled by the darklord within him, misunderstood Zelgadiss's desire to be stronger (he wanted to be stronger so he could continue to help and protect Rezo) and transformed him into a chimera. Zelgadiss went from being happily human, if frustrated by his lack of strength, to being part golem and part brass demon. He has stone skin, wire hair and immense strength from the golem part, and has demonic eyes, pointed ears, super speed and more of an ability to cast spells in rapid succession from the brass demon. He is NOT happy with the way he looks. But he could've dealt with it, if he hadn't found out later that it wasn't a "gift." This transformation was just an experiment to Rezo. Zelgadiss turns against this great sage that everyone looks up to and makes himself an "enemy" when Lina and Gourry first meet him because, like everyone else, Rezo is THE Red Priest. Good, kind, gentle, healer of the sick and can do no wrong. Like I said, issues. Zelgadiss is levelheaded, brilliant, an incredibly fast learner, confident, stoic, cynical and generally a cool customer. Because he's basically the fan favorite male, many people like to hook him up with Lina. It's a standard with fans that even if they're not compatible, you hook up the characters you like. Lina and Zelgadiss are too similar. Both can be driven to destroy things utterly, both of them are firm in their beliefs and stubborn to a fault. Yet they're both so utterly different. She doesn't deal well with his moods; he doesn't deal well with her zaniness. In D&D terms, I would say Zelgadiss would be a neutral neutral or neutral good. He can be lawful, when he chooses to be. He has moments when he collapses into chaos. He is actually a really good person, but occasionally prides himself in having a "bad" reputation. I'd say neutral good, because despite himself, he's a good person through and through. Neutral good and chaotic neutral can get along, but can also drive each other bonkers. I would say they're very easily best friends and they learn a lot from each other, but both have little patience with the other. Though, by far, throughout the seasons they have outgrown that. Zelgadiss, despite being one cool customer for the most part, it was pretty clear at the beginning that it was mostly protective facade, because he would EXPLODE several times throughout Slayers and Next. By Try, he was infinitely more levelheaded. He starts off seventeen. By Revo and EvoR, he's twenty, and by FAR he has mellowed out TO AN EXTREME DEGREE. He's more comfortable with himself in Revo, though it kind of goes to hell with the Rezo issue in EvoR... Yeah, anyway. Zelgadiss is an obsessive personality and he broods. Lina's way of dealing with that is punching it until it gives. Zelgadiss doesn't bend with force but with cajoling. Lina. Does not. Cajole. He gets along well with Gourry, especially when they get a chance to swordfight together. Their bonding moments there are just wonderful. Zelgadiss has a big heart and is actually a very loving person who is hurting very much, but hides it all under a layer of stone that is more than just his skin. His personality and the depths to him, like Lina, come out very clearly. That's probably one of the reasons people like to hook them up too. Zelgadiss can be infinitely gentle and very cold, but he isn't one to be trampled on easily and Lina loves to trample. Zelgadiss is also a protector, though by far he is much more cynical than Gourry. He also loves kids. And one of the things that I find the most fascinating about him is the reason why he is so cynical. People say that it's because of Rezo's betrayal. And it's true. But it's more than that. A truly, deeply cynical person is only that, because at point in their life, they were an idealist. A dreamer. Someone who hoped. A pessimist is an optimist who has lost all reason to be optimistic. Zelgadiss is cynical because he was once someone who believed in something and believed it with every fiber of his being, and learned a harsh lesson. Trust no one. Love no one. But being with Lina and Gourry and then later on in the original Slayers with Amelia transforms him. No one can truly erase their scars--they are forever a part of him--but he has grown sooooo much as a person and a character. There are people he trusts now, believes in again, and shares so much with in Revo and EvoR, that in Slayers and Slayers Next was questioning why he was even with these crazies. These reasons are what makes him one of the most beloved characters in Slayers, which is why it was fitting in EvoR that they gave so much time to his past. It defined and showed us, what we already knew. From a writer's perspective we didn't need the affirmation of his character, after all, they had gotten it across really well already, but considering the fans... I think some people hadn't quite realized that he was more than just a cool, cynical customer.

Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun: The second most controversial character in the entire series. You love her or you hate her--that's the status of the fans. She either drives you insane or you love her to death. Amelia is love and fluff and all that is good in the world. She spouts justice speeches and loves life and lives for truth and justice and peace (despite being actually quite violent at times--she IS a fist fighter of ALL THINGS). But, like all idealists, Amelia is an oxymoron. To live completely to one's ideal is hypocritical, and Amelia, despite what many fans believe, KNOWS this. While she is most assuredly lawful good, her best friend is Lina Inverse the most chaotic of women on the face of the earth. The problem is, because of her love of justice, fluff, life and love, Amelia seems annoying, gushy and unrealistic. People forget exactly what her background is. They just remember she's the princess of the justice and white magic capital. Amelia lost her mother at the age of seven. She was murdered. Her older sister KILLED the assassin and then left. Amelia, in one fell swoop, lost all the women in her life. Her and her father's affection is often seen as ridiculous in the anime, but CONSIDER it. From the age of seven to the age of fourteen, when we first meet her in Slayers, the only person who has been a part of her life, has been her father. Every other relative you meet throughout the series is also male. And it gets worse. Uncle Randy, tries to kill her father to usurp the throne. An uncle betrayed her and her father. Then her cousin Alfred does the same. The only relatives left, other than her father, is Uncle Christopher and her bedridden grandfather. Her sister is missing, her mother is dead. When faced with that kind of loss at such a young age, with the only person in your world being your father--what kind of relationship with him do you think you'd have? How would you deal with life? Amelia is stronger than anyone gives her credit for because she holds onto love, life, peace and happiness despite the horrors in her own life. Fans are annoyed by her obsession with fairy tales, but those were her form of escapism after such devastating loss. The difference is that she absorbed them so much that she lost herself in them and couldn't tell the difference anymore between story and reality. An understandable side effect, considering she spent SEVEN YEARS absorbed in them. They saved her sanity, and as a still childish fourteen year old, doesn't realize yet that they don't necessarily have much basis in fact. Amelia, because of these stories, at first seems judgmental and bases her judgments on type (most notorious her "white clothes" issue in Next), but by Try not only is she making fun of her own justice loving nature, but by Revo and EvoR she judges no one. If there is ANY character that shows the MOST growth throughout the series, it's Amelia. From childish and over the top and judgmental to someone who refuses--REFUSES--to judge someone before knowing all the facts. Those who love Amelia, see the clear reasons why her love for Zelgadiss is wonderful and just sheer awesome. Those who hate her, cannot see why anyone would put the awesome Zelgadiss with her. But here are the facts. Zelgadiss has a nasty history when it comes to a family member betraying him. Amelia understands that. Amelia come from a broken family. So does Zelgadiss. Amelia is everything Zelgadiss once was before he became cynical. Amelia cajoles, while Lina tramples. Zelgadiss gives in to Amelia where he wouldn't give in to Lina. Amelia's complete and utter acceptance of him, despite his appearance, is hard to beat. She is the softness to his hardness. Zelgadiss keeps her grounded; Amelia keeps him believing. She exudes life and happiness and keeps him smiling when his own thoughts could crush him. Many fans see an annoying twerp of a girl who constantly shouts justice and is utterly ditzy and borderline stupid. But Amelia beats Zelgadiss at chess. She's a trained fist fighter. She knows exactly what will keep Xellos busy (who can deny the moment of genius in Try?). She's highly intelligent and knows how to use her diplomacy and political know-how. Zelgadiss may be all that is awesome, but he is no diplomat. The interesting thing with Amelia and Zelgadiss is that they run parallel to Lina and Gourry. Lina and Gourry have helped each other grow throughout the different seasons. In an even more obvious manner than them, Zelgadiss and Amelia have helped each other grow as characters. Zelgadiss is more mellow, smiles more easily, doesn't stress or get annoyed as much. Amelia is much quieter, more down to earth, and no longer judges anyone. The most annoying about the controversy with Amelia is the fact that the fans who hate her are doing the exact thing they hate her for. They're judging her on her justice speeches and her silliness, and not seeing the fact that all that is way for her to cope with her loss and traumas. Amelia is one of the most developed characters in the series. Her love of justice and of life is her steadfast and determined way of defying the injustice of her mother's death, her sister's abandonment and insanity and the loss of her sister's innocence, and the betrayals from her uncle and cousin. She refuses to allow others the sadness she endured, so she battles against it. How can one truly hate someone whose goal in life is to make sure no one else suffers like she has? But, unfortunately, like Gourry, Amelia has one over the top, ridiculous quirk that "defines" her, and those who hate her don't realize that she is so much more than "justice."

Xellos Metallium: The MOST controversial character in Slayers. He appears and Next and becomes a regular from there on in. Is he evil or isn't he? What we know about Xellos. 1) He IS a mazoku/monster/demon. That isn't disputed. They "hate" life, love, goodness and all the wonderful things in life. It is their antithesis. They survive off negative emotions and even saying or hearing the word "love" causes them extreme pain and illness. 2) He is the priest AND general of the demon lord Zelas Metallium. By default that makes him the enemy of humans, dragons and gods alike. 3) He is extremely powerful and does not hesitate to kill someone when he is ordered to, when he has to, or when it suits his purposes. And therein comes the debate. When it suits his purposes. When it DOESN'T suit his purpose to kill someone, he quite happily lets them live. Xellos is the very nature of duality. He could be argued, in D&D terms, that he is lawful evil. When ordered to do something--almost 100% of the time something evil--he follows it without question. His loyalty to Zelas is paramount. But when he isn't ordered to do something, he is the very definition of chaotic neutral--much like Lina. Unlike Lina, who has a golden heart, loves life, and whose chaos comes from her own unpredictable nature, Xellos CAN'T have a heart, has to hate life, but his own chaos comes also from his own unpredictability. Xellos comments in Next that the Lord of Nightmares--the creator of all things--is capricious in nature. But Xellos himself is also extremely capricious. He does things he wants, even within orders. He manipulates and twists things to get everything his way. He is the epitome of Machiavellian. In Next, he is seen to have a good time, to enjoy the little things in life despite himself, and tags along with Lina for an ultimate goal, but when he has to save someone, he does. When he has to kill someone, he does. Visually, this is represented in his closed and open eyes. When his eyes are closed, he's cheerful, unpredictable, and very chaotic neutral. When his eyes are open, he means business and most of the time it means he's going to be doing something evil, or he's plotting something. While on occasion these can be interchangeable, on a usual basis, this is the case. Xellos, despite what he says and his responses to Amelia's LOVE LIFE attacks, seems to truly enjoy life and all its aspects. Which goes against everything we know of his race. This makes him complex, deep, and controversial because most fans can't seem to decide one way or the other. The best place to really get an good grasp of his character is in Try, and in that season, he has a counterpoint in Filia. What does that mean? "Extreme evil" and "extreme good" having to work together for the sake of the world. Xellos's excuse for helping is that, HIS race wants to destroy the world and they're not willing to let another demon lord from another world destroy this world when it's there job. But why let Filia live? Why tease and torment her with such obvious pleasure? Yeah, he's a glutton for negative energies and if she's dead he can't enjoy them so much, but he single-handedly killed thousands of her race. What's one more? Especially, since she annoys him so much. And that annoyance is what caused fans to suspect that Xellos might actually be capable of deeper emotions despite what he says. After all, Filia is the ONLY ONE who gets under his skin. Lina verbally and physically abuses him, and he takes it in stride. He torments Zelgadiss and ignores all of the chimera's jab attempts. He doesn't care one whit for Amelia, though she has felled him with love and life and goodness on a couple of occasions (though, notably DIDN'T in Revo--which just shows one more how much she's grown as a character). He is amused but indifferent of Gourry. So, is it just because she's his antithesis? Filia doesn't really have the verbally witty repartee of Lina, and yet she manages to PISS HIM OFF. No one, I repeat, NO ONE pisses Xellos off. He is... above that. He's over a thousand years old, for goodness sake. Indifference means there are no strong emotions. However, HATE implies that there is feeling behind it, and Xellos is anything BUT indifferent to Filia. So here the controversy ensues. Before Try, people would've easily said, he's manipulative, but he's definitely lawful evil. After Try... Where does Xellos truly stand? Is there a possibility that he IS attracted to Filia, and if that's the case what does that MEAN?! They are the antithesis of each other. But Filia, throughout Try, grows as a character. Xellos, probably one of the few characters that grows the LEAST amount, is excused from it because there are infinite layers to him that we are only privy to on occasion. Revealing his character acts as his character growth. Then there's Revolution, the first time we see Xellos after Try. Lawful evil. He's on a mission, he willing to crush Lina if she gets in the way... Or so we think. Once again, Xellos at his Machiavellic best. Then in EvoR, Xellos does the UNTHINKABLE. He sacrifices himself not just to save Lina, but to save GOURRY, ZELGADISS AND AMELIA. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It makes no sense. There is no feasible reason, based on what is FACTUAL about Xellos, why he would save them ALL. Perhaps it could be argued that if they died Lina might not fight back, but then again, Lina is prone to lashing out, even in EvoR, so why not ride the coattails of her destruction and her pain if her friends are dead? Maybe save GOURRY so she doesn't go insane, but why Zel and Ame too? At at the risk of his own life. I'd argue, it's Filia's influence, but as we don't see Filia past Try, it's debatable. The Xellos analysis will ALWAYS be debatable. That's why he is the most controversial character in the series. Is he someone who could love Filia and love the reborn Valmeira? Or is that possibility an impossibility because of his very nature? But on more than one occasion, Xellos has defied his very nature. So how much more of it is a stretch to get to Filia being the woman who drives Xellos happily insane? From what I've seen of Xellos... not much at all.

Filia Ul Copt: Only appearing in Slayers Try, Filia is a golden dragon who lived outside of the magical barrier that sealed off most of the main continent. Inside the magical barrier magic grew and became powerful and fruitful, excepting Holy magic, which was a lost art only available beyond it (is it was the most deadly to the mazoku who created the barrier). Outside the the barrier, magic did not grow to the full extravagant potential that it did within. However, being a dragon priestess, she has access to this powerful god-like magic. Filia starts off as a single-minded, determined, do gooder, that, like the curse of Amelia, ended up being loved or hated. Also, since Xellos is one to the most popular characters next to Lina and Zelgadiss, much hatred came for her because of the romantic implications between her and Xellos. Unlike many of the other characters that grew throughout the course of four seasons, Filia grows as a character within the span of just one. An impressive feat by the writers. Filia has to make some very difficult choices, abandoning her way of life and her beliefs to stand up for what Lina and company have taught her. It's a shame that people don't see beyond her arguments with Xellos and her single-minded "to be GOOD" nature that is only present toward the beginning of the season. She sympathizes not only with XELLOS in certain moments--considering he's the one who killed so many of her race--but with the enemy of the season, Valgaav. She feels remorse, feels guilt, and takes responsibility for the wrongs her ENTIRE RACE performed on the ancient dragons. She wasn't a part of it. She had nothing to do with it. She shouldn't have to take that weight upon her shoulders. But Filia is, above all, brave and (here comes the forbidden word) just. The courage she displays, taking that upon herself, is something we as viewers are quick to criticize, but really can't comprehend the enormity of that action and its cost. Filia goes from despising Xellos with every fiber of her being to willingly working with him (after overcoming a crisis of faith that would have crushed a normal person). If any character, in any part of the series has had such a dramatic and obvious growth within a short span, it's Filia. So it boggles my mind how people think she's flat. O_o

Rezo the Red Priest: The newest controversial character thanks to EvoR. While Rezo made his first appearance in the original Slayers, he was pretty much depicted as a goodly sage that had gone horribly wrong thanks to the evil of Shabragnigdo inside him. His obsession to see was fueled by the demon lord, and he realized too late what was really the cause of his blindness. The controversy here is, was Rezo a good person, or was he always twisted by Shabranigdo? What we know about Rezo. 1) He's over three hundred years old. 2) He had a child at some point. That child had another child. And then THAT child, had Zelgadiss. 3) A shard of Shabranigdo's soul was harbored in his eyes. He couldn't OPEN them. He wasn't actually blind, per se, but he was since his eyes could never be opened. Not even with pliers. 4) Rezo did incredibly good and wonderful things. 5) He also did some very horrible things--like murdering Zelgadiss's parents. 6) He's obsessed with seeing. 7) It's pretty much generally accepted that most of his evilness was a result of Shabranigdo. And THAT'S where controversy starts. How much had Shabby taken over of his soul? Was the demon lord like some kind of infestation or virus, slowly growing and multiplying until it completely took over? The evidence seems to point in that direction. Rezo did TOO MANY good things, both for the purpose of recovering his eyes and for the sheer want to do good things because he could. He did want to help people. That would indicated that Shabranigdo was indeed a poison in his soul. For fifteen years he raised Zelgadiss and Zelgadiss--thanks to the EvoR flashback--seemed very happy. He believed in Rezo, loved Rezo, had a relationship like a son to a father and a disciple to a mentor. Zelgadiss may have been gullible at that age, but Rezo's darkness, had he been purely evil from the get go, would've come out much sooner. Not only that, but Rezo didn't have to take the child in after he killed his parents. For the most part, fans believe that Rezo was under Shabranigdo's influence when he killed Zelgadiss's parents, and in penance for such a horrible crime against his own flesh and blood, took in Zelgadiss. (As an aside: It's pretty much accepted that Zelgadiss's mother was the Rezo descendant since Rezo has no last name we're aware of. But there are lots of ways around that. For all we know, it was Zelgadiss's father who was the descendant and his grandfather (Rezo's son) gave HIMSELF the name Greywords... for lack of one. Or if Rezo didn't raise him (most likely), it could be his adopted parents' name. No one knows. This is mostly speculation.) One who is really EVIL does not do that. Not only that, but whether or not Rezo is evil or not is constantly called into question during EvoR. My suspicion is that EvoR flushed out the Rezo of the original series and gave him the layers that were only speculation before. But all that aside, there's also the issue of Rezo's mood swings. Caused by Shabranigdo or not? Most would assume so, but a friend of mine posed the idea that he's most likely bipolar in the strictest sense of the actual condition. Shabby made him do evil things, but Rezo's rise from cheerful to depressed and frustrated was part of his every day life, and we do get implications of that in Slayers and in EvoR. In writing, we're told not to diagnose the characters too much, but I think this offers a view into Rezo's psyche that we otherwise would chalk up to making him just black or white. Rezo's guilt, his burst of happiness, the way he acted toward Zelgadiss in the flashback... says a lot about his personality. Even his desperation for his eyes when Zelgadiss realizes that he was just an experiment. Shabranigdo picked at Rezo's soul like a demon from the Middle Ages, slowly driving him insane with his obsession to see so he the darklord could be freed. But without Shabranigdo, who is Rezo? Is his magic skills caused by the presence of Shabby, or is he naturally that insanely powerful? We know he's probably a good soul, a good man, a loving one that was twisted by the dark lord. Was he shy? We know he was tender, and kind of dense in the female department, and loved Zelgadiss. But Rezo, more than anyone else perhaps, is shrouded in so much mystery that fans will be battling this out for years to come.

Naga the White Serpent: Naga is actually Gracia Ul Naga Seyruun. We first learn that Amelia has a sister in Slayers Next, when Zelgadiss--smarty pants who is always up to date with the news--informs us of her existence. She went "missing." In Try, Amelia mentions her older sister is almost as tall as Gourry (which probably intimidates him a little). That's all we get of Amelia's sister in the first three series. In the movies and OAVs we meet this cooky woman named Naga the White Serpent. Tall, big breasted, fancies herself a rival of Lina's, specializes in shamanastic magic of water and earthly types, as well as golems and white magic (much to Lina's surprise), and has a laugh that terrifies people. Throughout the OAVs and series we get hints. When Lina laughs like Naga in Try, Amelia immediately asks Lina not to laugh like that. In the OAVs and movies, Naga isn't used to her own costume (implying that she hasn't been wearing it long), has high class tastes, doesn't bow before royalty but speaks to them as equals, has artistic skill and eats (sometimes) with many more manners than Lina. Eventually, Kanzaka confirmed that Naga the White Serpent was indeed Gracia Ul Naga Seyruun and she makes a "cameo" in EvoR, without a memory and without a body so she's unrecognizable except for her laugh, Lina's reactions to her (Lina believes the voice is familiar if not the manner of speaking), and the similarities between her and Amelia--to the point where they BOTH do the infamous Naga laugh (to Lina's utter horror). So Naga is looked on as a bit of a mystery, but in general a flat character. She's not very popular (except among male fans for obvious reasons). Naga is a girl who at the age of fourteen (the age Amelia is when she first appears) broke mentally. She witnessed her mother's murder and then killed the perpetrator--an assassin named Booley. Not only did she witness the death of a beloved parent, but she KILLED someone at the age of fourteen. For a princess of the white magic capital, who grew up sheltered and loved (as she most likely was), that is a horrible and traumatic experience. Naga then took the costume she wears from her mother's closet and leaves, which explains her unfamiliarity with the spikes when she first meets Lina. Also, "Nama's" comments about her own past echo Amelia's but give a different perspective on how Naga viewed her family. Also. "Nama" uses the infamous Pacifist Crush, which has only been used by Philionel and Amelia. Naga has a lot of trauma in her past. She fled from it and part of her craziness is easily directly applicable to this. Her laugh is not just her confidence, but it is her confidence in the face of the overwhelming pain underneath. While we don't have enough of Naga to watch her growth, it seems that most of her growth has happened off screen. The only kind of growth we can see from her in the future is if the writers choose to finally bring her home. I imagine that Naga will have to face Amelia and apologize for the abandonment. Those bridges would be hard to mend, but Amelia is such a forgiving person, that I think it wouldn't take long for the two sisters to mend (unlike Luna and Lina).

So THREE:

Okay so the Naga and Rezo ones weren't really an analysis of their characters, but it allowed me to get out my own ranting tendencies to them. And I've been writing this for HOURS, so I'll save my other Slayers thoughts for another day.

*COLLAPSES*

< /rant >

***

QUOTES OF THE DAY:

"Ooooh hohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho!!" ~Naga the White Serpent

"If one... just one more weird thing happens this month, I'm going to go completely bat shit." ~Lusiphur, POISON ELVES

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daytime| 2009-04-22 13:11 theme| Classes, Get Lit! and Spring. copyright| Public setting| Spokane, WA character analysis| hungry onomatopoeia| Japanese chime

First off: Happy Earth Day! Love the Earth, go Green, and remember, whether or not you believe in global warming or that there's a hole in the ozone layer is moot. If we don't take care of the Earth, we're extinct. ^_^ So if you won't preserve the Earth because she's beautiful and your home, preserve her to save your own asses.

Thank you.

Classes, Get Lit! and Spring.

I sit in my apartment, on my flat bean bag covered in pillows, leaning against my futon that is currently in it's couch position. The wind is wide open and there's sunshine and wonderful breeze flying through. My Japanese turtle shell wind chime tings with each gust of wind. I sit, curled up with Amy Hempel, both uplifted and depressed by her stories.

As is not surprising.

Classes are going well. In Fiction workshop with John Keeble, we have four non-fictioneers and it really is a pleasure to have them. Asa, Amaris, Eric and Scott are just a blast on every level. Asa and Scott are fine, but I think Amaris and Eric are a little intimidated. Just my thoughts though. Fiction workshop can get... kind of intense sometimes. Still, after two quarters of Fiction Workshop already, we're sooooooo much more succinct. I still ramble, but I can't seem to stop myself. I really got to curb my tongue more and let other people talk.

I just feel sometimes that I really need to get in the good things about a piece and defend things that I think were well done.

But again, I read differently than everyone else.

I have noticed, now having the second Fiction form and theory, that Fiction Theory and Fiction workshop undermine each other in a good way. One is a hack-job of your story (thought I try to look at it positively and think of it as a brainstorming session) that sticks to the "rules" of fiction (Rio, Mich, no matter how helpful it really is if you think of it positively, you two would howl and wail and curse everyone in a workshop). The other examines authors who get away with what we're told not to do. What does that tell a writer? Workshops can help you hone your craft, but in the end, it's still YOUR CRAFT. Period.

Now that I've realized that it's both refreshing and kind of ridiculous. In the end, writing is an art form as well as a craft. Always got to remember that it's both.

Makes me feel better about writing what I damn well please.

I've been warned that by the second year people start writing in workshop to "form" in order to not get brutalized in workshop. I can't imagine doing that. I write what I damn well please and you help me fix it up. I'm not going to write a "standard" story, just to please everyone.

Anyway.

At least, I've figured out two more things. One, Sam is going to be my thesis adviser. As much as I love Greg (and the writers like Kelly Link that Greg will offer me to read), I'm a) a lazy ass and b) Sam already lives in my head shouting at me to do as I damn well please and take the risks I want to take. Also, Sam's stories are funny, and I want to read more of his stuff to grab some of that humor.

I have decided I am going to write humor. If I can't get away with happy endings, I'll get away with ambiguous endings and make sure that the reader is laughing throughout the story.

I like to laugh. I like to laugh when I read. I want to share that joy with other readers.

Two, I know what I'm doing for my thesis. I'm going to write a series of short stories (most of which have a first or second draft done already--I just need to edit them some more) based around Cubans in Hialeah, and I'm going to make them funny. After all, Cuban humor is so WEIRD. I love it, it makes me happy and people have no idea what Cuban humor is like.

Unless you watch Alexis Valdes on a Spanish channel. And you know, can understand him. If they even air his show all the way out here.

Get Lit! was fun. I plan to do more next year, I don't think I did enough this year for it, though what I did was really enjoyable. Sunday (the 19th) was so busy, I woke up at 8am and didn't eat until 6ish pm. O_o I was on my way home after the Shakespeare in Hollywood play (in which the Get Lit! event was the discussion on Shakespeare afterward with the actors and director--and as a bonus the guy who played Oberon proposed to his girlfriend of two years. Made my day. I'm such a SAP!) and suddenly realized... OH FUCK I'M STARVING! MY SPLEEN IS GONE. MY STOMACH ATE IT ALREADY!! T0T AFRO NOOOOOOOO!! (<----Excel Saga reference)

Simon Armitage is so awesome, I didn't know what to do with myself in his presence. Jane Smiley is like... SIX FOOT TWO and funny. And Laurie Notaro is probably the most awesome person on the face of the planet. I need their books. Well... At least, I need Jane's funny books that authors and critics don't like as much as her depressing books. They'll be better for me and I'll like them more. I know me.

Jane Smiley also said something that made me feel better about being a writer. She approaches each book like a separate entity. That's how I approach my books. I'm GOOD.

Laurie Notaro is absolutely hysterical. I want to write like she does. Only in fiction (because my life isn't as funny as hers, haha).

Milk crate readings were fun. I will do them again next year. Hopefully, I'll actually get a crowd this time rather than be standing there reading to myself. And I intend to go do a lot more of the workshops and panels. I got to manage my hours better so I can do that. I'm going to try to get Lynne and maybe John too out here for next year. That would be AWESOME.

It was fun. Tiring, but fun nevertheless.

It taught me a really, REALLY need to organize stuff better when it comes to planning and events and schedules, but I think... I'm just too excitable.

On an aside, I got the part of a Spanish ambassador's wife for the Ren-Fest here in Spokane. Still haven't figured out how it's going to work yet with the camping and the costume and the heat and driving out there every weekend. >_<;;

Spring. Is. Awesome.

I thought fall leaves and snow was awesome? Seeing seasons change? HOLY SHIT. THE FLOWERS. THEY'RE SO FREAKING PRETTY. The trees budding little green cutesy tiny leaves and the flowers just BURSTING with happiness saying HELLO WORLD I'M BACK is just ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS. I'm sure you have realized how EXCITED Spring has made me! I've taken PICTURES OF TREES AND FLOWERS. It serves no purpose other than for me to catalog the fact that there are ACTUALLY SEASONS!!!

And the best part???? THERE'S FREAKING CHERRY BLOSSOMS HERE IN SPOKANE!

All caps cannot express the sheer, utter, unadulterated EXCITEMENT that overcomes me at seeing CHERRY BLOSSOMS!! Trees covered in them! Flowers don't bloom they BURST. It's freaking AWESOME.

I love it. I love it HARD.

I've thrown my window open and now I got to get me something to hold my curtains to the side so the sunlight can stream through and fill my tiny little apartment.

Aaaaaah~ Happiness.







So yeah, note to self. Write again soon because I need to put up some more updates and I need to do my Slayers rant. It will be huge and vicious and wonderful. And I need to do some writering ranting too. Aaaaaaah... I soooooo need to keep up with this...

***

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!" ~Mark Twain

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daytime| 2009-03-31 14:29 theme| School Begins Again copyright| Public setting| Spokane, WA character analysis| lazy onomatopoeia| Mary Jane - Alanis Morissette

Back to reading and writing (as if I wasn't already doing it). But I guess no more doing it for fun. It's back to work and I have NO idea what I'm doing with my short stories for this quarter. I got to try to finish "Lola" and attempt to do the magical realism one. I'm still iffy on what to do with the magical realism one. I need to seriously sit down, scribble and brainstorm.

I hope Miss Bender helps me with ideas. That's the only book that I may read ahead of time because I am in desperate need for ideas on how to handle that magical stuff that I want to handle so much in a literary fashion. Because I think that once I get a handle on it, I'll be SET. Because I love it and I can get great ideas and it will still be literary!

That would make me the happiest. Really it would.

I might turn "The Red Scarf" to magical realism if I can figure out how.

I'm still behind on Willow Springs readings (again). Gah. I'm going to see if that's what I do like this entire week. I don't know which meeting is happening on the 3rd of April (either poetry or fiction or a general one--I don't know), but I'm going to try and read all day tomorrow and Thursday. (Most likely Thursday because I got Press Wed and Thurs and on Wed I have class with Fiction II, so there'll be less time to reads.) Still I'm going to do an attempt. Probably be able to get some done tonight since we're going to be leaving class early I'm sure, and the same with tomorrow. Leaving class early can be a good thing for getting other crap done.

I've been RIDICULOUSLY lazy this past weekend.

Really, shame on me, but yeah.

Oh, and a warning ahead of time.

THERE WILL BE A SLAYERS RANT.

Just... trying to hold off a little, because that will be PAGES long.

Worried about trying to do Ren-Fest stuff along with school and parents coming. Really. It's fucking true. I'm a HORRIBLE double booker. I think OH LET ME DO THIS and a week later I've forgotten those plans and come up with something NEW TO DO and then I'm screwed.

I really am a MORON sometimes.

I just hope I can survive this quarter somehow. I just need to stop being a bum.

***

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I became a writer so I wouldn't HAVE to work." -Souma Shigure, Fruits Basket

I am shamefully mimicking this evil bastard. <3

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daytime| 2009-03-28 12:04 theme| Visitations copyright| Public setting| apartment character analysis| content onomatopoeia| Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson

March has been a very busy month.

My brothers came up for a visit in earlyish March. Two huge young men (both of them younger than me) that I stuck on a futon on my floor. We made pancakes and I made them walk all over Spokane. We ate at Sushi.com. TWICE. And we tried to go skiing, but as native Floridians... we failed.

Not at skiing. We didn't even get that far.

We failed at even the attempt of skiing.

Not that we minded much. We still had FUN.

So. First day--Tour of Spokane. Lots of walking. Sushi and donburri and Mononoke in the evening. Second day I had to work at the Press, so the boys wandered. We had lunch at Chili's. Then we went to see my professor Sam Ligon read, hit the Hills, drank, and then went to my buddy Jess's house were we played with her dog Luna, drank beers and wine, and played Trivial Pursuit. It was a BLAST. On the third day we rented the Red PT Cruiser who was to be our companion for a few days. I dubbed him the Outlaw Star (secretly). We took a driving tour of east Washington and West Idaho (basically drove up to Sandpoint). We drove around Lake Pend Orielle, took pictures, saw wild turkeys (OMG!!), and basically commented on crappy weather while taking mad amounts of pictures. Then we decided... LET'S GO UP TO SCHWEITZER MOUNTAIN! So we did. It was fun and PERILOUS.

TOURISMO AVENTURA, MAN.

PT cruisers, no matter what cool name they have, without chains and without four wheel drive is a DANGEROUS thing to be going up a mountain with lots and lots and lots of snow. Everywhere.

Of course the going down part was MUCH more dangerous (daring, ballsy, downright stupid), but I haven't gotten there yet.

There's a little village on the top of Schweitzer mountain. It was so awesome. I loved it. A village on a mountain! It was GORGEOUS. Something you see in movies! We had lunch at the Chimney Rock Grill, we checked out prices for rentals and for buying clothes for skiing (which we did not have), I walked into every store. (My brothers joked that I was living an RPG. Walking through every door and talking to all the people not caring what was really going on--no houses though. The houses were too far away.)

So I walked into this art gallery, right? And it's pretty and I think of my artist friends (Zhenia and Derek) and I start talking to one of the artist ladies (Julie Hutslar http://www.jrhutslar.com/ ). And she got all animated. She's a painter she said, and had been painting snow all winter and was sick of snow. But she had just seen these three people go by in dark coats, two long, one a shiny leather jacket, and the contrast of them against the snow really stood out to her and she got inspired to do a painting. Especially because one the guys was trailing behind the other two and he had this long coat and wide-brimmed hat. She had seen them and wanted to paint them so much but then they were gone.

I stared at her for a moment and then pointed at my brother Alain. "Do you mean him?"

And she squealed. She looked at me and my brothers and pointed. "You're the people I saw walking by!"

"Yeah, these are my brothers."

"YOU'RE ALL SIBLINGS?!"

"Uh... yeah..."

"THAT'S PERFECT!!"

So she made us--all three of us flattered beyond belief that she wanted to do a painting of us--walk in front of the art gallery outside so she could take pictures of us. So there was a slew of picture taking, lots of chattering about what to name the painting. Both women--the owner of the Artist's Studio and Julie--went from "the Watcher" (Alain: ;o; you make me sound so creepy) to "the Protector" (Julie: XP Sounds too military) to "the Guardian" (YAY!!). There were lots of other crazy ideas in between. "The Shadow," "The Spirit" (Roxy: ...those are movies. O_o) and "The Angel." Of course, all these ideas were around the concept that since Alain was walking behind Magni and I, he was a shadow of our past watching over us lovingly. That was the concept Julie came up with anyway, so she kept trying to come up with ideas along those lines.

Those women RAGGED on Alain INCESSANTLY. It was bliss.

I bought BRIGHT COLORFUL MITTENS.

Alain bought earrings for his girly.

Magni looked at us like we were MAD.

When we finally left (Julie's contact info in hand), we decided we were going to brave the attempt to go down the mountain. The Outlaw Star was snow-covered. We freed it from it's snow prison, and began the perilous drive down.

Magni almost hydroplaned us off the mountain.

SCARY FUN!!

Got back home safe and sound despite the scariness, went food shopping, Magni made us PASTA and Nino (our second... or third... cousin who lives up here) came by for a visit and they got to meet him. Then again with the late to bed, early to rise.

Day Four: Let's try Mt. Spokane to ski! Again with the scaring going up and the scary going down. There were many more snowball fights on Mt. Spokane than on Schweitzer (Magni's snowballs got great hang time), but in the end no skiing did we do because we didn't have the proper attire. I ate a chili in a bread bowl, and SUPER COFFEE, and squealed the whole way back down the mountain. I got to drive a little (once we were back in Spokane), gave them a driving tour and then headed home. We watched Mononoke, ate Chinese Food, and crashed. Oh the crashing we did.

On the day they left I cried. We had lunch at Sushi.com again (because after the first time they coveted what I had eaten). We met a cute Japanese lady named Miho. Then we drove to the Spokane International Airport.

I dropped off my brothers and cried out my eyes. Visited Amaris for a bit. Amaris makes me happy.

Computer crashed. Paper was late. I panicked. Last class for the Press. Friday the 20th was Voice-Over and I read. People laughed and I felt good. Chris came with and we went to the B&B to party until 3 AM.

Saturday I slept in and cleaned.

Sunday my best friend Rio came over from Seattle! We went to the audition for the Renaissance Festival for the Summer of 2009 at Nine Miles Falls and I got the part of the Spanish Ambassador's wife who also takes care of Princess Mary while King Henry goes gallivanting with Anne Boleyn. We had Chinese food and talked LIKE NUTS ABOUT SHADOW HEARTS (this will be a continuing theme).

Rio made me a scarf to go with my mittens! JOYNESS!! I wore it on Tuesday when we went to Irv's and we both wore SPECTACULAR MAKE UP. I even sang kareoke (badly, but I did). Jerry, the bartender will always be the shiznit. We had a late dinner at the Satellite Diner. Wednesday we did a walking tour of Spokane and ate (you got it) at Sushi.com where Miho served us (YAY!). Thursday we went to Greenbluff (which was mostly closed) and got lost. We bought foods and made spaghetti and talked Shadow Hearts.

Friday morning she left to beat the snow in the pass. I was very sad she was gone, but all in all I had a fabulous week!

Tonight I'm off to Zola's, tomorrow is my best friend Michi's birthday and I got to go up to the North Spokane Library for Ren-Fest orientation.

School starts again on Monday.

My fridge is swollen for the first time since moving up here, my apartment is still a mess, I talked to Zhenia for hours yesterday.

All in all a great couple of weeks!

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daytime| 2009-02-27 14:17 theme| Links and More copyright| Public setting| EWU Press character analysis| sick onomatopoeia| Mean to Me - Kate Paradise

Don't have too much time to write a full-length post here, but a few updates. Here's a link to the blog/journal of a good friend of mine: http://rehd-fawx.livejournal.com/ She's the one who gave me the amusing thing below. Muhuhuhu.

I'm falling a little behind with my readings, so I intend to catch up this weekend since most of what I had planned has been canceled and because I've been sick as hell so I have nowhere to go. Also, neither of my two shows I watch regularly have been updated.

I'm really starting to hate Fox and CBS. Well, I already hated Fox, but I'm hating it even more now. Also, check this out if you can: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62Vsgl6SUZ0&feature=channel_page It has important information for the future of life here in the States. Obama has got a hell of a job to do in an attempt to fix this mess. Yeesh. Please ignore the jabs at liberals--remember this is Fox, which is all about insulting everyone who doesn't agree with them. Despite the jabs, the information is important, so do look at it.

Also, I'm looking into going to the Romance Writers Workshop/Conference down in New Orleans on the first weekend of September. If you're interested in going, let me know. It'll always be cheaper to share a room in the French Quarter at the Hotel Monteleone than having to pay for it full price. ^_^


~~~

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Prowling over the fields, swinging a jeweled meat hammer, cometh Wickedwitches! And she gives a spectacular cry: "You in some shit now, muhfuh! I tear into the enemy faster than the super-flu!!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

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daytime| 2009-02-21 13:39 theme| Birthday Details copyright| Public setting| apartment character analysis| loving onomatopoeia| Lonely in New York - Sophie Milman

First off--Happy Anniversary to my parents! Their anniversary is the same day as my birthday (the 17th) and then again on the 19th (from their second wedding). Love you both! <33 Twenty nine years is a long time. Next year is the big 30! I'll save up to give you guys a great present!

I didn't plan my birthday well though this year. For one, I'm used to not really having to plan it. Getting together with friends and family is a custom (any excuse to party for Cubans is a good excuse!), and without them up here, I just had no idea how to go about it. I don't want to draw attention to myself (or my age), but at the same time I wanted to tell everyone so we could go out and do something. The conflicting desire to tell and the shame of telling (and therefore seeming egotistic, self-centered and vain) warred itself to a standstill.

My birthday fell on Tuesday, which meant class. Class is fine, but usually people linger. So I thought--here's my plan. Class will end and I'll offer for people to come to my place to hang out, or to suggest a bar or place to go.

Epic fail.

Class ended earlier than I thought it would (we were supposed to do four stories to make up for not doing one last week, but didn't), but instead of lingering, I looked up and POOF!

They were gone.

As if the gods had whisked the fictioneers away. I was kind of stunned to say the least. Carly dropped me off (she, TJ and Chris were the only ones other than I who lingered), and I went home.

I will admit, I was sad. I spent the morning cleaning my apartment, wrapping up homework before class and making copies of the story I had to turn in that day. My apartment was spiffy, spotless, and empty. My apartment manager said I was free to join her and her daughter (Carmen and Sarah respectively) for a movie. I took my dad's last bottle of cider he had made for me (I drank the first one on the lonely Saturday of the 14th), and drank half of it while sitting on the floor. In a desperate attempt, I texted the numbers of poets and non-fictioneers I had and just said--when you get out of class, feel free to drop by my place! I didn't want to sound sad and pathetic and complain about my birthday. I just wanted people over.

The problem is that they actually weren't on campus. They were... elsewhere. And farther away than I thought. I was not on their way.

Amanda (the Mauler) is the only one who swung by. I was joyous. I talked her ear off (the poor woman) and made her watch Labyrinth, which she'd never seen before. I even showed her my craptastic art. Yes, I am sad. I kept her far longer than I should've (she had a project due and needed sleep), but I was so grateful for her coming.

I love me some Ama Mauler. <3

But then yesterday--Amaris (one of the non-fictioneers) asked me if I wanted to do something for my birthday because she was sorry she missed it. (Almost everyone is on Facebook--so by birthday was displayed for all friends. If you didn't log on that day, you didn't see it.) So, after the Willow Springs meeting (gah, which I still have to send Nicole my log and continue reading!), she contacted me again and set up a date at a place called Zola's that is right near me. She gathered a handful of others--Summer (non-fiction) and her boyfriend (Greg? God forgive me I forgot his name!), Jaime (poetry) and her husband Dillan, and Melissa (poetry), and we hit Zola's.

IT WAS A BLAST.

I long to go again. The place is fabulous. A small second floor with booths made from an amusement ride, huge enclosed booths, great drinks and food (not cheap, but decent), and a live band. It was AWESOME. I can't reiterate that enough. We all danced with this lumberjack (I kid you not, he looked like one--big Old Testament beard, flannel plaid shirt, jeans), who was just an amazing dancer. The shock from the words "lumberjack," "amazing," and "dancer" all strung together in one sentence still boggles my mind. He danced with Amaris THREE TIMES. I've never actually danced with a guy who knows how to dance or... hell, other than my dad and Derek, I've never danced with a man that wasn't in a group or slow dancing. Which means--I don't know how to dance with a guy. When I dance with girls it doesn't matter if I know how to dance or not, and I'm usually leading. I have no idea what to do with a guy.

So he gave me pointers. I was the only one he gave pointers too. I wasn't kidding when I said I don't know how to dance with a guy. It's sad, I know, but true. However I danced with Melissa, Amaris and Summer too! Which was fun~

Summer and her boyfriend left early (work and school) and Amaris and Melissa tried to leave early. Haha. They got drinks bought for them by two older men (fun!), and then Brandon, Brendan and David showed up. So the girls couldn't leave right away since David and the B&B had finally shown up. Amaris and Melissa danced with Brandon. I danced a round with David.

Did I say the music was fabulous?

Amaris and I chatted with the saxophonist and with a friend of the group. I eyeballed the bouncer (HOTNESS).

Once the music ended, we all headed out to go home. They all live in Brown's Addition. I leave a couple of blocks from Zola's. So they all walked me home. I hugged everyone. It was super sweet of them to do this for me--I spent most of the night thanking Amaris for putting it together--and I had a fabulous time.

It was the most fun I'd had on my birthday in a long time. I didn't even miss the ice cream cake, I had so much fun!

The only thing that could've made it better is if I had my brothers and my best friends with me. Maybe next year. <3

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daytime| 2009-02-06 08:49 theme| Relaxing and Reading copyright| Public setting| apartment character analysis| sleepy onomatopoeia| Emilie Simon - Chanson de Toile

So I'm trying to get ahead a little. I'm already ahead of the game in Willow Springs. Going to get ahead even more once the online server is back up. I've already read one of the two packets for the Press (going in again today for some extra loves), and I'm going to read the second this weekend as well as the stories for workshop--I might just read those today. I'm going to try to read Fool's Crow this weekend because I want to get the depressing reading out of the way.

It's true, all of the "literary" books are miserable. Finished Their Eyes Were Watching God (it seemed so familiar to me. I'm sure I've read it before but I don't remember when), and I cried like hell at the end.

I'm just way too sentimental.

After the depressing reading is out of the way, I'm going to indulge myself in some romance novels. I really have only one, but I may just reread a whole bunch of them to make myself feel better and less miserable. Also, hopefully, it will give me the last bit of oomph to tackle the short story I'm turning in on my birthday.

Birthday. Ugh. Turning twenty seven. I'm old.

Anyway, I like the way the story is going so far, but I know there's a lot wrong with it and I don't know how to fix it. I'm just going to keep writing a myriad of scenes and see which ones work best together to give me the story. It's scary to do that for me, but if it isn't scary, it's not worth writing.

Took down most of the Christmas decorations yesterday. I need to take down the last garland and then keep the fairy lights pinned up. I like them. I don't feel like taking those down.

Weather has been nice up here, but today it's miserable. Going to Voice Over tonight, and then partying all night after it. Trying to figure out how I'm getting to Scott's and how I'm getting home after that.

It's been a hectic week. I'm looking forward to just relaxing this weekend and reading and writing and vegetating.

I don't know. It's too damn early to be trying to write and stuff. I'm still half asleep. I just want to curl up back in my bed with a romance novel and will the world away. But there are Press hours to do and I shall do them.

When I get back though... stories, book, and nap before Voice Over.

~

Quote of the Day: "Loafing is the most productive part of a writer's life." ~James Norman Hall

FACT. Ha ha.

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daytime| 2009-01-28 02:29 theme| The Struggle Not to Cry copyright| Public setting| Spokane character analysis| depressed onomatopoeia| Phantom of the Opera

I had a bad day today. The 27th, I mean. Tuesday. Not going to get into it. That's just for me to deal with. But I cried on the way home. Came to a revelation too. Hopefully, it'll be cleared up (positively or negatively) soon.

Kafka doesn't help. He depresses me.

Why is it that "great" fiction is miserable? I hate that. I really do. I want to write comedy. I want to write humor. I want to make people happy with my writing. I want people to sit back, laugh out loud, and feel GOOD after a read written by me.

I absolutely despise this concept of LOSE LOSE.

It rubs me the wrong way and I want to thrash and scream and yell at the world for being so miserably depressing.

Life sucks. Fact. Fine. But why do we have to write that Life Sucks? NO. FUCKING. SHIT. It's like, yay, the world is miserable, let me read "great" fiction about MORE MISERY.

I just don't get it.

I get struggle. I get hardship. I get loss. But is GREAT fiction only these things? I don't understand it. I probably never will.

My next stories, I know, aren't going to be "happy" because I'm playing with a few themes of loss. Loss of family members mostly and the deep impact that has on a family--especially a close nit one. But, at the same time, I kind of don't want to. I want to write something light and fluffy and say HA. Look! Great writing can be happy! But of course, if it's happy, it automatically disqualifies it as great writing.

Great writing = misery.

I don't know why, but apparently this is so.

Pisses me off. And makes me cry.

Lots of things are depressing me lately. The reaction to my story is just the icing on this cake of unhappiness. But it's acceptable unhappiness. I understand it.

For example: I will never, ever get a man. I will probably never fall in love again.

Why? I'm too damn logical (and according to my horoscope too cold--though I've never understood this until recently. I used to always think of myself as a warm person) and forthright. I came to conclusions about myself that I have accepted.

One-- I don't want a relationship or a man apparently. I want one for the convenience. I want one for the out it gives me. Someone to drive me around. Someone to sleep with. Someone to cook for. Someone to share the bills. Someone to buy me dinners and take me out from time to time. Someone to go out with. I want to have a relationship so when I graduate I can make a decision with this imaginary man about where to move and what to do with my life. That's no way to live, and that's no way to do it. I need to figure out where I'm going my own damn self and not rely on an imaginary person to help me decide. I'm wishy washy, I'm uncertain, but I just have to figure it out on my own and not put this responsibility on a person who doesn't exist. So, that realized (and knowing that's the crappiest reason to want a relationship), I came to the conclusion that I must not really want one at all.

Two-- The above point is mostly moot. It's just for my benefit of self-realization. Why? Because no man would want me anyway. I'm honest, unashamed of what and who I am, and tell it like it is. I don't hold illusions. I'm intimidating because I'm intelligent and I don't play coy. I'm not sata like my mother and cousin, and I don't play the game. For one, I don't know how to play it. For two, when I attempt to play it I do a wretched job anyway. Basically, I would need a man who isn't intimidated by me and who is as sure of what he wants as I am of what I want.

All these men have already been snatched up by worthy women. I'm out of luck.

Three-- I like being alone. I mean... I don't and I do. I'm lonely as hell. Miserable most of the time watching movies, tv shows, reading books and writing in my apartment. I always have to have music or a movie or a show on, even when I'm reading and writing because the silence becomes a force to be reckoned with. I battle it with voices. Voices make it seem like I'm not alone. But at the same time, I do better when I'm on my own. I write more. I clean up after myself better. I cook more. I take care of myself (though most of the time I have no idea what I look like since my mirror only encompasses my face, so I have no idea whether or not I look decent--not that it matters because men are never impressed with me anyway, bleh). I'm proud of my little place, proud of my decorating. I wish I could show it to more people. But people don't really come to visit.

Four-- I'm going to be a cat lady. But of course, the only way I can be a cat lady is if I make a lot of money as an author and can afford to buy myself a house on a beach. Only way that's going to happen. If not, I'm just going to be a miserable old spinster from a Jane Austen novel living in an apartment. If I'm lucky, it'll be an apartment in Ireland. Haha.

While most of these realizations are depressing for the most part, they've allowed me a perspective on myself and a chance to accept my own inevitable, undeniable flaws. I'm too nice, I'm scary, I'm cold, and I have no luck. I'm probably liked by my peers, but not to the point where any of them would keep in touch after grad school. At least, not yet.

That, I think, is my greatest fear about this program and my classmates. I'm afraid that the most important thing--obtaining readers to one's writing that are objective and helpful--about being in a creative writing program, I will leave without. I'm afraid that everyone will leave with readers, except me. I'll be a reader, I know that. I have no illusions. I know I give good, constructive critiques. I know that I try my best and give a point of view that is different from other points of view, so the writer gets a wider grasp of readers (I read REALLY differently than my peers, note the above rant). I know that I really love the other writers in this group, and I would willingly help them become better writers on a constant basis.

But I have this terrible feeling. It hovers in the center of my chest, just below my sternum. It's heavy and it makes my eyes burn. It's a feeling that says, "Rox. You will leave a reader for some, but they will not be readers for you. You will leave with no readers." Maybe that feeling is based off another fear of something that I suspect is going on with my peers (hopefully it will be proved incorrect and I'll start feeling better about this), but I can't stop it. It makes me cry, and I try so hard not to cry. Fan my eyes, wipe my tears, sniffle them back.

But when I'm alone, I weep loud, annoying sobs and think: "I'm in a box. They want me to write one thing and one thing only. If I don't write that, they won't help me. I don't just want to write about one thing. I have a million stories in my head that I have to write. But no one will read them for me and tell me how to make them better. Because they don't care about my other stories that are different. They care only about the one kind. I'm in a box and they don't want to let me out. So I'm going to graduate in a niche I don't want to be in and with no readers for my writing."

This thinking... This is the worst kind of loneliness.

What does it say about one's fiction when you fear that none of the fiction writers want to read your fiction? What does it say when you give your writing to the poets and the non-fiction writers because they are the ones with no bias?

I don't like to write sad stories. I don't like to write about failure. I believe every world a writer creates comes into existence somewhere in the universe. Maybe it's egotistical. Maybe that world already exists and somehow you're getting the images from that world and just writing them down.

I have a million stories. I have to do something with them. I love to create. I love to write.

I want to be happy. I want to read that other people are happy, so I too can have that hope that I will be happy too.

I don't want to create misery.

I want to create hope.

Because I want hope for myself. And in giving it to others, I give myself the chance at it.

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daytime| 2009-01-14 14:50 theme| Hello 2009! Please be better than last year?! copyright| Public setting| Spokane character analysis| accomplished onomatopoeia| Goodnite - Melody Gardot

Went back to Florida for the holidays. Long trip home, long trip back. Miss the family greatly. My mother and my grandmother and my brothers and (maybe) my father miss me a great deal. I miss them tons.

I really never keep to New Year's Resolutions--I think I jinx them the moment I say them out loud (or say that I'll do them). So these are not "resolutions."

These are facts. Facts about my life and my future.

1) I don't want a man. I don't need one. I realized a deep truth in myself. The only reason I even want one is so that way I don't have to worry about getting one later. It would be easier to make a decision on where to live after grad school. I have a better chance of being supported while I write. I wouldn't have to get a car. I would have company to go out to places. In other words, I don't want a man because I want to fall in love and have babies (though I do want that too--though not babies now. Soon though. Soon). I want a man out of convenience. Having a man now would be convenient. And I'm all about convenience when things are rough.

That's a bad reason to want a man. So, the truth of the matter is, I don't really want one. I want to have sex, however, but since I'm not the kind of person who does one-night stands... I'm fucked. Well, actually, I'm not fucked, but you know what I mean.

2) I don't need RPing. I need to write my own stuff more than I need to do RPs. Lately, they've only been MORE stressful rather than less, and that defeats the purpose for why RPs exist for me. So I won't waste anymore of my days on RPs. If I'm stuck on my computer for days (especially now during the winter here in Spokane) then I will write. Which brings me to number 3.

3) I know what I'm doing for my thesis. Because I know what my thesis is going to be already, I need to start writing each one of the short stories for it. I also need to think about how I'm going to defend it. And (quite importantly) I need to start gathering my thesis list. Which means...

4) I need to read more. I already have tons to read, but I need to read stuff outside of class, so that the books in my thesis list actually exist and I've actually read them. I figured I'd do a search for stuff I should read and put the list up here and then systematically go through them all via the library.

5) I need to write a romance novel. I really wanted to work on Merlin and The Hopeless while I was at school. I might still be able to depending on how much time I have available next year. But I want to have several chapters (or more) of a romance novel by Juneish/Julyish so I can pitch it to the editors in New Orleans at the end of August. If I'm really lucky, I'll get myself a book deal and there I go into the world of romance. That would be nice. If that happens, I'll join RWA by the time school starts next year. Which means I need to save money.

6) I'm going to do what I can to get the GSA for the Press, but in retrospect, I might not go crazy and compete desperately for it. If I get it, I get it. If I don't that just means more time for me to write. Always a good thing. Which reminds me. I also got to set up communication with professors down in Miami to see if any can travel up here for Get Lit!

7) I will take a non-fiction workshop. I want to. I want to get better with my non-fiction. Who knows? I may write something like that someday.

These are the facts of my life. These aren't resolutions or decisions or possibilities. These are just the facts. These things WILL happen, there's no doubt about any of it.

Already, I'm pleased with my progress to a degree. I've managed to get all my work done for this week before it was all due. It makes me happy. Now all I have to do is edit my piece for next week (if I figure out what to do with it in order to edit it) and start writing my second piece that's due on my birthday.

I don't want to turn twenty-seven yet. I want to take back some of my time. But... I also want to pop open those ciders sooooooo bad.

Haha.

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daytime| 2008-11-01 13:55 theme| Happy Halloween! copyright| Public setting| Spokane character analysis| wicked onomatopoeia| Wicked Sountrack bookmark| # elphaba, musical, thropp, wicked

Elphaba Thropp
The poster for the play, Wicked.



Elphaba Thropp and Frida Kahlo


Elphaba Thropp and the Academy Award

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daytime| 2008-10-23 01:14 theme| Quitting copyright| Public setting| my room character analysis| calm onomatopoeia| Tool

So it's one AM, and I'm only just beginning the amount of work that has to be done this week. Considering everything I have to write and read within the next handful of days, I can't afford to work anymore. I really like my co-workers, I like my supervisor, but now during this climax of work, I can't afford to waste the amount of hours that is demanded that I waste. I need these days. I need these days full and complete and with enough time to do everything I need to do.

I need to read.

I need to write.

I need to research.

And I need the time to do it.

I considered it on Monday--quitting work that is--because of this issue they were having with us (my coworkers and I) leaving early on Monday to see The Phantom of the Opera. (Yes, I went to go see it again.) I called in sick on Saturday because instead of sitting in front of a computer, I preferred to go hiking.

Hiking was wonderful. The mountains are beautiful, the cold and the wind was great, I got to use my mittens, and I got a hell of a work out.

I would love to do it again soon. Ah~

But with the "pressure" they (work) are putting on us to be there for the full 10 hours... Yeah, no. There's only a handful of weeks left of work (before they fire us, because this is a temp job), and while I'm tempted to stay until the end, I just do not have the time. I need that time.

Unless I don't sleep for the next five days--I'm shit out of luck.

So I will go to bed probably in another half hour, catching up on some reading, doing a little writing while I fall asleep, and then set my alarm for 7am. Then in the morning, I'll wake up with the alarm, call my supervisor, and tell him...

"I'm sorry, Mick. I love you, I want to come in, but I just can't. I have too much reading and writing to do for school. I have two projects due--one by Tuesday and one by the week after. And then another project right after that. I need to write and I have books and manuscripts and short stories to read for class. This is why I moved up to Spokane. This is what I need to do. I'm sorry to do this to you, I know you need me, but I can't stay a full ten hours. I can't lose these hours. I love you, Mick, but I have to quit. My schoolwork depends on it. I'm sorry. Have a good day. I have reading to do."

I probably won't use so many words or make it so long and arduous, but there you have it. I'll call my co-workers later, tell them why and what happened, set up dates to hang out or meet them after work, but that's it.

My money is going to have to stretch for the next two months until I get to the Winter quarter, but at least I won't be worrying about not getting my homework, my writing and my reading done on time.

Besides, I'm not really that sad about doing this.

I like my supervisor and I like the Island (the guys I work with), but everyone else at this job and this workplace...

Well, they can go fuck themselves.

I hate the owners, I hate the managers, I really don't like the way they treat us. I don't like being slave labor. At all. So they can go fuck themselves. Any kind of job that dictates that you can't have fun because you need to work ten hours straight without speaking or laughing or joking (while the other people who work here can because they're not temps) is just fucked up.

I'm not slave labor for anybody.

Yeah, I need money, but I need to not feel abused more. I'm not the kind of person that just takes shit because I need the cash. I'm not a whore.

And I don't like a company that treats me like one.

So.

Fuck 'em.

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daytime| 2008-10-15 16:00 theme| Out of Options copyright| Public setting| Spokane character analysis| depressed onomatopoeia| Mortal Kombat

Grad School: A mess of stuff. I read a book a week, a manuscript a week, and two to three short stories (sometimes four). I have to write papers for each (luckily never more than a page each). I work 38 hours in a week (or an approximation thereof), and I basically have no time to write or veg. I mean, I get online from time to time to let myself detox, but lately, online has been just as stressful as being offline. My inbox is flooded, there are a million things going on that I want to do, but it's just so much information I can't keep on top of it anymore.

And the best part? My main form of relaxing--Roleplaying--is no long an option.

Only a writer finds relaxation in writing gibberish with another person that can never be published.

But I can't do it anymore. Two of my roleplay partners are out for the count. One is consumed by a depression that I cannot begin to fathom, understand or help with. The other is consumed by work and money problems. Both are understandable. I don't hold it against them, but they're my most reliable sources and now they're out of commission. And the first (the one with the depression), well, it seems that she will never recover. So I've lost her for good. Another person... She's so smart and she comes up with great story, but for stress relief (especially for a woman) roleplaying needs relationships.

It needs sex.

I don't watch porn. I write it. Works just as well.

Especially when I'm a lonely, sad, woman.

So this third roleplay partner is sex shy. Violently so. I thought she had gotten over it, but she didn't. Whenever a scene that has potential pops up, she shies away from it. And if she can't, she lets me do all the work. I either write it alone or my character is the only one doing all the work. Hell, she has issues with kissing. KISSING. What is UP with that? I can't blame her either though. Her mother traumatized her into thinking sex was evil. No matter how much porn she watches, she just can't write it.

So I end up more frustrated than stress relieved and that's not good.

And the fourth. The only one left. Sweet kid, but male. The only problem with a male partner is that I've never had one before. I don't know if he'll even be up for that--or if he'll see it in the wrong light. The last thing I need is to roleplay sex and have the party on the other end think I actually want to do it with them. With a woman, not an issue, because although all my friends are bisexual or lesbian (says wonders about me doesn't it?), they all know I'm very heterosexual. Lord knows that sometimes I wish I weren't. It would save me a whole heap of trouble. And I'd probably get laid more regularly.

Anyway.

The last thing I need with a guy player is for him to think that I'm coming onto him because my characters are jumping his characters. I don't know how mature he is. He's younger than me.

I guess I could ask him. But I'm a little afraid of the answer.

In either case, I'm going to have to abandon my favorite stress reliever and pastime. I'll probably read more (always good), try to write (don't know how I'm going to do that, it's almost as stressful sometimes), and... try to do other things, I guess. Focus on school and on nothing else.

Push myself until I break and then see what happens next.

I suppose one only truly finds themselves after they've shattered.

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daytime| 2008-09-17 16:13 theme| The Inevitable copyright| Public setting| EWU character analysis| busy onomatopoeia| Nightwish

August came and rolled by. Been working at Dorian. Liking it less and less. The work is tedious, the people just aren't friendly, and everyone I've made friends with has up and left for better jobs. I need to do the same.

The end of August. Called my grandmother for her birthday. Tried to email my nephews. Got no response. Cried for my cousin.

I still miss Nicholas. It doesn't matter that it's been eight years since he died, almost nine. I miss him. I wonder what I would be like now, what my family would be like now, if he had lived. I'm a little envious of the Roxy in a parallel universe--the one where Nick lives.

Had a dream about that once. I was in a parallel universe and met a grown Nick. But I had died in that universe instead of him. For that little while a Nick who had grown without me, and a me who had grown without Nick bonded again.

Ah, I'm crying just thinking about it. Moving on.

I'm glad now, in retrospect, that I didn't have enough money to go down to New Orleans for the Writer's Conferece, or that I went there for school. They got evacuated. But I'm definitely putting myself down for the 2009 conference. And not only am I going to pitch, but I'm going to submit several chapters to make sure I'm bought. I've got a couple of romance novels I can sell. I'm going to work on them.

My best friend from Orlando (Michelle) came to see me for two days. It went by too quickly. I cried myself to sleep when she left. We even had one argument. It was great. I love her, but she can be too cold sometimes. I think the only thing she said that I actually took offense to though was when I was cuddling, and she said to me, "You so can't live alone."

Considering, after I moved out of living with her I've lived alone several times, and she has never lived alone for more than a couple of months... Who has the right to talk? I'm the only one between the two of us who actually HAS lived alone. She needs to get over herself. When she's lived a full year or two without a damn man in her house and in her bed then we'll talk about who CAN live alone and who CAN'T.

Went to see Phantom of the Opera on the 13th. Went to work at the crack of dawn on the 12th (at work at 7am), got out at 5:30pm, and was on the road in a Dodge Avenger (sounds heroic doesn't it?) by sixish. I got to Rio's place in Poulsbo at elevenish. I made pretty damn good time. I had a lot of fun singing along to old CDs and cruising on neutral down steep hills. The drive to Seattle much more enjoyable than the drive back to Spokane.

Just because of the hills. And, of course, the gas saving.

The musical was great! Other than some very strange blocking (and I'm serious about the weirdness of this blocking), it was wonderful! The Phantom was sexy as always, Raoul was VERY irritating--god, his voice made me want to either laugh or groan--and Christine appropriately DUMB. Meg was really young, but still so adorable.

I had a BLAST.

After the performance, we ate at the Brooklyn. My wine was FANTASTIC and so was my STEAK. God, STEAK. I miss steak. Oh, cow. How I love thee. I have missed thee so.

We found "Reboot" online later. It was incredible and so bad and so old. It brought me joy. I had chicken tikka masala--though it wasn't close to spicy enough, but it was still a pleasure to have. It was fun.

I woke up at 5am on Monday morning, drove five hours, returned the car and went to work. I was DEAD by the time I got back home at 10:30pm. The last couple of days have been very hectic. And the next week is going to be, especially with Dorian being a pain in my ass. I'm applying everywhere I can for a full time or part time position. I'm done with this seasonal crap. Especially at 10 hours a day. I'm going to shoot myself if I don't stop this.

I hope to makes some new friends though. Ashley W. is nice. Melody B. is gone. I wonder what Brendan will be like. God, I hope he's not just out of undergrad too. I think I'll cry.

I need a boyfriend. With a car. And a nicer apartment. That would be ideal.

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daytime| 2008-08-14 15:56 theme| Dorian Photography copyright| Public setting| Spokane character analysis| bored onomatopoeia| Eolian Minstrel

Finally got a job. Not a very good one. It's seasonal. If I'm lucky, they won't fire me until November. I wanted the 800-line position, not the data entry one, but I got screwed. I speak better Spanish than all of them, WTF?

I had to leave my brother a ton of messages for his birthday. He didn't call back.

I spoke to my Daddy for his though. It was great. I miss him. There's been a couple of times when I've thought about my father and my mother and when he left and my entire face stings with oncoming tears. I think it's kind of cool that you can FEEL your tear ducts just before they're ready to spill. Like a stinging sensation on the sides and behind your nose.

I'm going to keep applying for work in more places. I need something permanent.

What do I do at my new job? I am given a thumb drive with hundreds (sometimes up to 2000) images of teenagers or children. Their school pictures. I have to center them all and make sure all the heads are basically the same size, following the format thing they have programmed. This takes HOURS depending on the size of the school and it's so BORING.

Then I input orders. It's a little faster. But not by much.

Yay! Already have a new job, and I'm already ready to move to another one. God, I'm sad.

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